May 27, 2014

God's Eye

 
 
On a recent school day I pulled a beautiful piece of Gods-Eye artwork 
out of my son's backpack.
Instantly recoiling, he begged me to put it back. 
 
Surprised, I asked "Why?", he was so upset. 
To me, it was the most perfect thing I'd laid eyes on...
simply because his own sweet hands had created it.
This was his reply. 
 
"Mom, it is all wrong.  I tried. 
But I just couldn't get it right. 
It is junk!
  Throw it away.
 Even though the teacher kept showing me over and over,
I couldn't do it, so she finally just said,
 
'oh well'  

"It doesn't look like the other kid's, he exclaimed .
It is supposed to look like an eye...not that!" 
 
...and although he couldn't quite articulate it,
"shame" dulled his innocent eyes. 
My heart broke...right along side his. 
 
Holding back tears, I took Andrew into my arms.
 
"Honey, I think it is perfect". 
The way you made it is exactly the way it is supposed to be. 
God didn't want yours to look like everyone else's
because He wanted your art to reflect your story...
and how He took care of you.
 
What did He do for you when you were a tiny baby in the hospital? 
"He healed me". 
 
And what else? 
"He held me" 
Exactly. 
 
My husband and I prayed that God Himself would hold our son close
those long months in the NICU, when we couldn't physically hold him. 
And I believe He did.

"I will offer you peace like a river,
and as a mother comforts her child,
so I will comfort you".   

My son may have felt abandoned in that dark incubator.
 But he was never alone.  
I was always near, experiencing every painful aspect
of his journey right along with him,
 yet he may not have felt my presence as I longed for him to.     
The tubes I was afraid might strangle my son, became instruments of life for him. 
The needles that scarred his wafer-thin skin, brought healing.
That very dark place is where God saved his life.  
 
When we finally came home, after four long months,
all I could do was hold my beautiful child for hours on end. 
And cry. 
I prayed that God would turn it for good. 
That Andrew would somehow feel God's love
so deeply that his heart could heal.    
 
"That is what your art is", I continued..
"It's a picture of Jesus' promises that wrap around our hearts and hold us". 
 
To me, who could see my son's journey in big picture format...it was clear. 
But to him, his art looked like a tangled mess.          
 
Then it hit me...
 
Maybe God wants to reassure me when I feel discouraged, or misunderstood.      
 
I've been with you your entire life and have full understanding.
You will someday too...I promise. 
Oh, how I've longed to hold you, my child. 
I am on my feet, hands clapping, 
with overwhelming love and excitement over you...
just like you are your son. 
My heart breaks when I see you hurting. 
Please let me love you. 
I will never, ever stop."
 
The circumstances used by the enemy of our souls
 to frustrate and strangle the life out of us,
can be the very instruments 
God uses to weave our lives into galleries of hope.            
 
All too often we feel like God is far away,
 watching only from a distance.
Life experiences scream at us, making us feel that God has abandoned us,
or is only there to punish us when we don't measure up. 
And we never can. 
Yet He says, 
 
"Peace, Peace to those near and far...
and I will heal them."
 
His eye is on us - yes. 
But as a loving Savior
who longs to draw us into His arms of mercy. 
He will take the tangled threads of our lives
and transform them into a masterpiece; 
if we allow Him to carefully stitch our broken hearts
back together,
piece by piece.    

We can breathe a sign of relief and feel our hearts
 come alive again,
embraced by His promises. 
~ Envelope us with Your Love, Father ~
 
He is closer than a brother. 

May 11, 2014

The Best Advice I Ever Got...



 
 
Came from my Mother(s)...




{Left to me as part of my First Mother's china collection}

***************************************************
 
 




{A gift from my Mom to my husband and I on our Anniversary}

May 7, 2014

Irreplaceable the Movie



 
 
“In all of us there is a hunger, marrow deep, to know our heritage, to know who we are, and where we have come from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning, no matter what our attainments in life, there is the most disquieting loneliness.”

~~Alex Haley~~


This movie brought tears to my eyes. 

It explored the philosophical and historical meaning of "family" and how its breakdown affects our lives individually and as a society.  Delving into issues such as sexuality, feminism, marriage, parenthood...asking the hard questions:   

When did we as a society stop valuing family? 

Why did pregnancy become a burden rather than a blessing? 

How did we start making children into commodities and building "designer" families?

Have we failed to encourage men to step up to the plate and be father's to their children?

The documentary addresses all these issues and does it well.  It is a beautiful documentary that speaks to the heart of these issues and the brokenness in every person, every family...and it gives hope.

One idea that stood out to me included the fact that some people in America don't even know where they were born...their identities are unknown.

Unfortunately, the way adoption is done in our society, it strips a person of their biological connections and identity, forever.  Even "open adoption" is not enforceable by law, and all birth certificates are sealed and amended upon adoption, to legally change a child's identity and family connections.  The demand for designer families and the business it creates, turns children into commodities.  

This creates a further breakdown of family, because it shrouds family histories in secrecy and unknowns, rather than allowing the light of truth to bring a person through their history to healing. 

It may create a home for a child, but at the expense of their wholeness. 

The only mention of adoption in this documentary was the story of one adoptee who "went back to their biological family"...key.  It speaks of the innate human drive to know oneself and restore whatever family connections are possible. 
 
Adoption and sealed records prevent a person and family from this.  It may actually be creating more harm than good, the way it is practiced in society today.  The Bible speaks of "re-digging the wells" for a reason.

Some genealogists have estimated that within four more generations NO American will have an accurate family tree because of archaic sealed records law in adoption. 

Could this be part of the problem in the breakdown of family?  Are we creating a country of identity-less people, because of our desire to build "designer" families, but disregarding the long-term affects this has on individuals and their ability to maintain healthy relationships? 

Families are God-ordained.  They are irreplaceable...not designable.

The film aptly speaks of the right of every child to "a" mother and father, but I would venture further to express the God-given right of every child to "their" mother and father, and identity...without being turned into a "product". 

If a child needs a home, must they be expected to live a new identity with legal connections that erase their God-given place in the family-line God saw fit they be born in to? 

Have we allowed adoption to become a class issue, using the children of the poor, to create designer families for those with more money?

If we honored the sacredness of the mother/child bond as the miracle it is, rather than turn it into a societal "crisis"...in order to obtain products for designer families...we would create a much healthier society long-term.  Fathers could not be "unnamed" or thwarted to "streamline" adoption.  Family connections would be honored rather than disenfranchised.  We are a nation of sickly family trees with missing branches.  And then we wonder why the breakdown of family?  We have been sold

When Moses was "adopted" into Pharaoh's house, he ended up running into a wilderness.  God appeared to him in a burning bush and said, "I am the God of your fathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob"...He RESTORED Moses' identity and lineage.  He said "take off your shoes" (you are enough).  The ground you stand on is Holy.  He sent Moses back to his family of origin.  Our places in our family lines are sacred.  Adopted people deserve better than sealed records, amended birth certificates; high-priced transfers, as replacements.

We are a misplaced people.  We can love a "new" family, but it doesn't erase our profound loss; our reality.

I pray society takes this to heart.  Families are truly irreplaceable. 

May 5, 2014

Sacred Journeys


“There's a story behind everything..but behind all your stories is always your mother's story..because hers is where yours begins.”
~ Mitch Albom, For One More Day
(originally posted in 2013

In her book, "The Sound of Hope", Anne Bauer wrote...

"The day I found out I had two mothers I was cut in half. One half of myself resided here with my family, and the other half was lost, lost to a shadowy woman floating somewhere out there...You see, I'm adopted."

Growing up, I never let myself think about my natural mother, so when I began dreaming about her as an adult ~ that began a whole new journey. With the blessing of my family, I searched and found her in my early 20's.
It was her mother, my Grandmother Carolyn, who shared the devastating news that my mother had passed away while also searching for me. Her name was Norma Carol.

 I was born Baby Girl Lowe, during the 60's when young, unwed mothers endured great shame ~ "The Baby Scoop Era".  They were told that giving up their babies for adoption would somehow redeem them...and us as well. They were supposed to "forget" and "move on" but most never could, including my Mother.

 She wasn't allowed to see or hold me after giving birth and was led to believe she had given birth to a boy.

I spent most of my 20's numb; stuffing disenfranchised grief.   Especially when my Mom who raised me was diagnosed with the same type of cancer that took Norma's life. Suddenly I was terrified of losing both my Mothers to this horrid disease.

Mom not only endured months of chemo and radiation, but also a bone marrow transplant...never losing faith and teaching me important lessons about perseverance and trust. We just celebrated her 82nd birthday, and 15 years as a survivor.

In my 30's, I connected with other adoptees and first Mom's and began to hear their stories.  And dreaming again of my First Mother.

One of those dreams is so special...

I found myself in Norma's living room staring out her window.  There to my surprise, was the familiar site of my childhood neighborhood.
When I turned around, she was there, and I realized my Mother had been with me all along.  She reached out, took me in her arms and held me...whispering beautiful words into my ear, preparing me for life.

Then she said..."You know, Samantha, I can't complete you..." and her voice trailed off.  At this, my heart sank when she pulled away, picked up her things and walked out the door. The little girl in me stood sobbing, helpless....trying so hard to "wish" her back.

Her embrace somehow remained a part of me. I felt stronger, bigger...even through the unbearable sadness of watching her go. It was then that I noticed...there, on the table, she had left her keys.  I knew I would see her again, even if in eternity.

It is interesting that, even though I'm now a Mother myself, I am still seen as a perpetual child in the eyes of adoption law.  Adoptees are the only US citizens denied access to their original record of birth. 

Like a fellow adoptee named Moses, hiding in the desert; this dream was, for me, truly a "burning bush" experience.

 When Moses asked God, "Who am I?", God said, "I AM the God of YOUR fathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob." He restored his identity and his lineage
Then God said, "Take off your shoes...(mine even had names ~ Fear and Shame)...for the ground YOU stand on IS Holy.  He finally believed.
Our journeys are sacred, and that makes our very lives, and those we journey with, sacred as well.

Moses found his destiny ....a purpose, only fulfilled as he journeyed back to the place of his birth.

My Uncle Ronnie says that my son reminds him a lot of Norma Carol. Life somehow has a way of coming full circle.

May 4, 2014

Listen


Last night I told my fellow cast mates for the Listen To Your Mother/OKC show that I still can't visual doing this today.  My voice and legs shook even at the read-through.  At one time I thought it was important to share our stories of adoption~search~reunion so that others might "get it".  What I've found is that the only ones who truly understand are those who have lived it. 
And even then, we don't fully understand ourselves or our place. 

We love but we hold back.  As my friend, Joe Soll says, we get "street lamped". 
(We can feel rejection from a street lamp - it's that easy). 

So it's no wonder I've written and re-written this story a hundred times.  I still don't know if it is the one that needs to be told.  But it is the story of one adoptee.  Two Mothers.  Whom I love very much.

I feel like my story is not written with the same eloquence or writing skill of these other wonderful women in this show.  My Mom passed away last November and I'm still walking around in a daze. 

I got a call from a gracious 70 year old adoptee named Mike this week, still searching for his family.  He, and the other adoptees, first Mothers, adoptive Mothers, and families are why I am doing this.  We are all on a journey, and all at different places.  My own feelings and thoughts have changed a million times over my life-time as an adoptee.  But I'm so thankful for those touched by adoption that I have been blessed to meet and now call my friends.  They are the ones who have helped me find the courage to do this.

Thank God for the friends He has put in my life.  Even still, I feel lonely.  But last night a beautiful friend and I ran around town still searching for the right shoes.  It was fun, and I'm so thankful she will be there today.  Thank you, Mom, for teaching me the importance of friendship.     

This morning, I woke up early and opened my Bible to seek solace. 
My eyes immediately landed on this verse. 

"Listen to Me, all who remain.  I have cared for you since you were born, even before you were born.
I will be your God throughout your lifetime ~ until your hair is white with age.  I made you and I will care for you.  I will carry you along and save you."  Is. 46:3
 
 
Lord, please help me hear your voice...and listen. 
Bless Listen To Your Mother today in OKC and in all the other cities. 
Thank you for the voices of Motherhood...and your whispers of Love.