November 29, 2010

Golden Tears


You'll wake up floating on a river of golden tears
Streaming past your hidden view
Amidst eyes of blue

Encircling your heart is crimson red
Blood of the fathers you never knew
Heart enshrined...finally to find the real 'you'

Safely hidden in this prison of blue
Your only chance now is to ride the hues
Grief unlocks the colors of life
You'll find your "purple" deep inside...after the ride

So close your eyes, and feel the depth
You'll find you're not alone
Surrounded by the throng, the unseen tears...Hold on

We must visit the eyes of our fore fathers
The pain of our unknown
Connect with the blood with whom we found life
Love through the tears of our own.



~ Samantha Franklin ~

November 28, 2010

Adoption Secrecy: The Month the Gloves Came Off: Adoptions by Choice: First Degree Grand Theft

Read this excellent article on "Adoption Secrecy" revealing some very interesting facts about member agencies of National Council for Adoption...

"I pondered...why agencies might be attracted to membership in National Council For Adoption (NCFA), an organization formed for the specific purpose of preventing adoptees from learning the truth of their origins. One reason for the attraction may be demonstrated by the agency I'm featuring today.

Consider: If adoptive families and families of birth could be prevented from coming in contact with one another at some future time, they can't compare notes on their adoption process or the agency that brokered it. The adoptive parents can't learn, for example, that the exorbitant amount of money they paid for "birth mother expenses" went, instead, into the pocket of the agency's director. The birth mother can't reveal to the adoptive parents that her medical expenses, in fact, had been paid by private insurance or Medicaid. It makes the deal just so much sweeter for the agency if these little insignificant details don't have to surface."


Adoption Secrecy: The Month the Gloves Came Off: Adoptions by Choice: First Degree Grand Theft: "I pondered in the previous post why agencies might be attracted to membership in National Council For Adoption (NCFA), an organization forme..."

November 19, 2010

"The Long and Winding Road"



 
 
I will take the blind by a way of which they had no knowledge, guiding them by roads strange to them: I will make the dark places light before them, and the rough places level. These things will I do and will not give them up. ~ Isaiah 42:16

 
I find myself navigating through the same hospital halls in which my first Mother spent the last days of her life.
 
Why is ICU tucked in the corner, down long, lonely corridors; miles of twists & turns.
The hum of life-support and hushed tones.

No wonder I avoided this hospital (and this grief) for so long.
 
The familiar twinge of panic trying to find my way back. It would be so easy to get lost
I've been here before.
 
The long maze. Each turn; every hall the same...seemingly no way out. Finally an elevator. Please get me out of here...I need to breath. A different person. So reminiscent of my reunion journey...even after 20 years.

This time was different. I exit the hospital not quite so numb. Stronger...real.
 
My (paternal birth) cousin's maternal grandmother is fighting pneumonia.
I held her hand, prayed, and told her how much she is loved.

Oh, how I wish I could have been there with my (First) Mother...maybe it would have been easier than never knowing her.
 
 Maybe she would have never died.

November 18, 2010

Life's Gifts



“Life is the first gift, love is the second, and understanding the third”
~ Marge Piercy

I think this quote pretty much sums up the gift of reunion...I'm so thankful for my reunion with ALL my first family and both sides. I am so blessed to know them and to know myself. It took MANY YEARS to finally unthaw my emotions enough to FEEL, because I had held in the loss and unacknowledged pain for so long. I put on the tough front of being "Chosen"...

My family embraced me and for that I'm overwhelmingly thankful. It took me a long time to RECEIVE the love they were trying to give me. I was so scared of more rejection and loss. I was a "people-pleaser" deluxe to try to avoid it.

There is a scripture that says "In Him is light and there is no darkness at all". "We shall know the TRUTH, and the truth shall set us free." Everything hidden in darkness is not exposed to the light of healing. I had to open the dark, hidden, secret parts of my heart and let the light (search, reunion, truth) overwhelm me. Like being blinded and protecting my eyes from the pain of pure brightness. It hurts. But it also illuminates and heals.

I had a dream a few years back (during the time I was finally allowing my "search" and "reunion" feelings to surface ~ years after I "found"), that I have never, ever forgotten. It was one of those dreams that seems so real. I was venturing into the attic of a house (my house I now realize), and was filled with fear. It was chock-full, from ceiling to floor, side to side, of JUNK. But for some reason, this junk scared me and put fear into my heart. Like it was something I didn't want to look at and remember or face, even though it wasn't something I remembered ever seeing before ~ just familiar for some reason. I got lost in the attic because it was so big. Like a maze. I felt claustaphobic, like I wanted to escape ~ but also a curious longing to conquer something there. Very conflicted inside.

I dreamed about this same attic several times. I remember asking God to go into the hidden parts of myself and bring healing. I truly believe that He is the one who led me into this journey, even though I felt so very vulnerable for so many years.

And the most amazing part, is that none of this "awakening" took place until YEARS AFTER my reunion with my "first" family.

Life, Love, Understanding...the picture above is of me and my "first" family the first year of our reunion. On the outside it looks uncomplicated and beautiful (three generations of family together), but the hidden, unspoken journey is far from that. It took me going through those hidden, unacknowledged feelings to finally be able to truly embrace the beauty of what I have. Thank you, Jesus.

November 14, 2010

Our Little Tongginator: Sunday Linkage

This amazing adoptive Mom blogger links some excellent information...

Our Little Tongginator: Sunday Linkage

How Long Will It Take?



“Never, never, never, never give up.”
~ Sir Winston Churchill


A ground-breaking "Life...Adopted" conference was held in Oklahoma this weekend, spear-headed by an amazing woman and adoptee, Rhonda Noonan (Clinical Director of Shadow Mountain Behavioral Health). It has been such an honor to meet her and her team of clinicians. It wasn't your traditional adoption conference. The day-time keynote was Chaz Wesley, who is a grief & loss counselor.

We enjoyed an entire day of hearing first family & adoptee perspectives, reunited adoptees & first mothers, first fathers, advocates, and searching adoptees...as well as professionals, speaking about life-long issues in adoption. Previously unspoken words in adoption conferences in our great state were finally uttered, such as "disenfranchised grief", "truth in adoption", and "human rights issues" relating to adoptee access legislation passed in other states.

The American Adoption Congress was gracious to send Paul Schibblhute, a first father and adoptee access advocate to come lead a workshop on "Strategies for Legislative Change".

The amazingly talented and passionate Alison Larkin (author of "The English American") shared her heart & story that evening in "An Evening with Alison Larkin".
So many things she shared reminded me of my own emotional journey of adoption & reunion. When she talked about how having her updated family medical history saved her own son's life at birth, I teared up thinking about the birth of my premature baby and attempts in obtaining my family medical history.

For Oklahoma's first conference of this magnitude, it couldn't have been a greater success. It was filled with counselors, adoption professionals, and people touched by adoption themselves. Many adoptive parents as well.

Yet I sit here a little sad. My emotions and body are weary after being so busy and excited helping with this event, and my thoughts are scattered all over. I have to make this post short because, after being busy for the last three days and not spending that time (as normal) with my son, he needs me. Sure, he spent an entire weekend doing fun things with his Daddy, but because my son was born so early and spent so much of his first year in the NICU he deals with trust issues galore. He's exhausted and unregulated. I do this work as much for him as myself, but it is truly a catch-twenty two.

How many other adoptees and their families have dealt with similar struggles because of the same pre-verbal trauma suffered when separated from their mothers at birth ~ yet it goes unacknowledged their entire lives?

Chaz Wesley asked us to discuss hurtful "platitudes" we hear as adoptees & first families, even though adoption is based on profound, disenfranchised loss. Grief that is "celebrated" just doesn't make sense...and can never truly be processed.

Some of those platitudes we discussed were,
"Oh, you were better off..."
"What a gift!"
"At least you will know where (or how) your child is"
"You're adopted? How lucky you were a "chosen" child"
"Oh, adoption is such a loving (or brave, or wise, or courageous) choice!"

...and the list goes on and on.

As Alison so poignantly shared this weekend...as adoptees, and sometimes even first mothers, we are terrified to love. Why take the risk of losing something so dear?

And what loss could be more profound than the loss of our own mother? But how can we risk being thought of as ungrateful or disloyal to the parents who who love and raised us, or God-forbid, risk abandonment again, if we dare think of or speak of those silent questions and sorrows we carry inside as adoptees?

Some of the sadness comes from the fact, no matter how "successful" this conference was, it is a shame that more people weren't there. Secrecy and shame is still very much dictating societal beliefs. "Adoption First Language" touted by the adoption industry disenfranchises people even more, because it serves the adoption business rather than those whose lives are profoundly affected every day.

I'm a little sad that none of my family was there. It meant so much, though, that my husband and also one of my very best friends was able to attend the evening performance. My friend lost her mother a couple of years ago and when Alison shared her description of seeing her first Mother for the very first time, and what it was like to finally "be able to reach over and touch her"...we both held our breath...that has been exactly what I have longed for my entire life.

It was heart-breaking to hear the hushed stories of adoptive parents who came up to us with pain in their eyes over the hurt their adopted child feels, and yet they have no idea how to help them. So thankful they were there and we could share excellent resources that will hopefully give them tools for real healing...

The one that is heaviest on my heart is the adoptive mother who told me the story of her 16 year old daughter who is now pregnant. She wants to keep her baby, but her mother is working with a crisis pregnancy adoption agency as we speak because she is convinced her daughter is not "capable" of raising this child. She said the counselor at the agency has met with her daughter one time and "has determined" that she is at an emotional level of a six year old in regards to dealing with this pregnancy decision. Since when could counseling offered by an adoption business be non-biased or not be considered a conflict of interest, I wondered?

It brought back memories of my own adoptive mother who had convinced me that if I were ever to become pregnant before marriage, that I should either abort or "place" my baby for adoption...as I got older and was able to deal with my own adoption issues, I felt extremely violated and just the thought of losing my own flesh and blood (especially because of the encouragement of my own mother) infuriated me.

I wanted to warn her that no matter how many promises of "openness" she may hear, that "open adoption" is still not legally enforceable in our state; that adoption agencies sometimes fight "contested" adoptions, if the mother changes her mind about "placing"; and that even "open" adoptions sometimes find themselves closed, once the child gets old enough to start asking the harder questions. That adoption agencies will sometimes "reassure" prospective adoptive parents to feel comfortable with an open adoption because "eventually the 'birthmom' will move on".

One of our workshop presenters, Linda Kats, wrote a book about her family's experience ~ "Blended Hearts, Broken Promises."

Even in "open" adoptions the child's original birth certificate is sealed and an amended one is issued.

I encouraged this adoptive mother to research not just what the agency was recommending, but also authors such as Nancy Verrier, Sherrie Eldridge, and Betty Jean Lifton.

It saddened me that although adoptees and first mothers are becoming courageous enough to actually get up in front of an audience and share their stories without shaking like a leaf or breaking into tears...we still "fold" to the societal expectations of making sure we don't step on people's toes or appear ungrateful.

One adoptee who spoke reminded me so much of myself at the beginning of my journey. So as not to hurt or face possible perceived rejection from my adoptive family or my newly reunited first family, I gushed with gratitude about how grateful I was that they "made the right decision" and I was blessed with two wonderful families now...isn't that what we're conditioned to say from the "professionals"? Yet, inside, I was hurting and desperately needed to be allowed permission to truly process those emotions locked up inside.

Because of making sure we say the "right thing" (we're nervous), we don't get around to sharing what really needs to be said...the stories of how horrified first mothers are when they find out their agency-assigned "alias" name was used on their child's actual birth certificate...that birth-dates were often changed...that adoption agencies even today are not required by law to ensure EVERY adoptee has a factual original birth certificate...much less the right to obtain it unconditionally in adulthood.

No wonder this uphill-climb of adoption advocacy is so tiring...yet so worth it. To meet the one state legislator who attended the conference...the one book that is now read...the one adoptive parent who now has the resources to truly help their child...the one adoptee or first parent who can finally find validation...the one young adoption "professional" whose knowledge may be enlarged...

When will be able to look back at the failed experiment of sealed records in adoption history and rejoice that it has ended?

When will adoption law and practice be governed by ethical principles?

When will society understand the conflict of interest issues surrounding adoption and those affected are directly related to the economic principles of supply and demand in a business that disregards human rights?


It is a shame this is taking so long...

November 7, 2010

The Truman Show or Adoptee Island?



I saw this movie several years ago before I realized the impact adoption had on my life. If that could be imagined. The scene about him being "the first baby legally adopted by a corporation" just flew right by me without notice...I do have to admit, though, that the movie creeped me out in a weird way, a way in which I just couldn't put my finger on...but thought about for days.

Well, I happened to be flipping channels today and came across it again...only got to watch the last hour, but was completely mortified and intrigued. This is THE movie of the adoptee.

Truman had to WAKE UP just like every adopted individual and realize that there was more to his life, identity, and world than just his "role". Adoptee's very birth certificates are sealed and amended to create an entire new role, identity and cast for our lives. We are expected to live by that man-made role and told (just like Truman) that it is BEST for us, so not to rock the boat...just what he did.

It feels like the monumental struggle of our lives to cross over that bridge (of truth) and face the raging ocean head on, to freedom...to wake up & find that all we thought was real, isn't...that we are so much more than our orchestrated existence in our adopted role...

When Truman hit the "horizon" with a thud...my heart ached. Seeing his complete despair and hopelessness over being held "in the dark" for so long, regarding his entire identity and reality, was heart-breaking.

I think every adoptee eventually hits that same wall. We have to courageously climb those steps into the unknown and confront the corporation...adoption...to somehow find our true identity, grief, and integration into the real world. What an amazing movie...and wild ride.

I loved the scene in which the caller expressed the truth about Truman being held captive in this make-believe world, not knowing reality. She was ridiculed as being part of "the vocal minority". Yet, when Truman finally found freedom, the entire world rejoiced with him.

The adoption industry speaks against adoptees & original mothers who refuse to be silent about unethical practices and sealed records, calling them "the vocal minority",

We, however, must continue to speak the truth...because as more and more states pass adoptee access legislation, the entire nation will rejoice.

The Truman Show had a sick cult following that society accepted for far too long...even when its most devoted fans secretly wished and cheered for Truman to break free of his all too perfectly (amended) existence...into realness.

I pray for the day all of society cheers as adoptees everywhere have the same right as every other American citizen...to access our original, unfalsified birth certificates, identities, and reality.

The Critical Difference Between Foster & Infant Adoption

An amazing writer and adult adoptee, Triona, wrote an excellent piece full of truth ~ "The Critical Difference Between Foster & Infant Adoption" ~

November 2, 2010

The Declassified Adoptee: Is it Really a Celebration?

The Declassified Adoptee: Is it Really a Celebration?: "It's bothersome that National Adoption Awareness Month, a month dedicated nationwide to focus on the needs of children in foster care, i..."