Christmas "Blow-Ups"

© Photographer: Shootalot | Agency: Dreamstime.com
I once heard a pediatrician say that young children see themselves as "one" with their mothers. This really hits me up-side the head sometimes, when I'm relating to my 3 yr old former micro-preemie, as I see it evidenced so strongly. If he gets hurt and I show any kind of anxiety or concern, he thinks I'm "sad" and panics until I assure him that I'm "happy" ~ only then will he allow me to even get close enough to examine the extent of his "boo boo". I think it is because his neurological system was so premature and bombarded in the NICU, that he becomes extremely deregulated emotionally, and literally looks to me as his emotional mirror. He NEEDS me to be his emotional security, or he is completely undone. We missed so many precious days and months bonding as a mother/child should.

So tonight, we attempted to drive about 45 minutes outside our city to see a Christmas light exhibit before they take it down. My Mom (adoptive) went with us and when we went to get in the car, I asked her to sit in the passenger seat upfront so I could sit in the back with the car seat. By the time I gathered up the myriad of things needed for a 3 yr old on even a short trip, and got to the car, I found that she was sitting in the backseat with my son. I tried not to think much about it and told myself it would be a good experience for both of them. Boy was I wrong. At first things were great, but when we found ourselves on the turnpike (with no way to really stop or safely turn-around, or even change seating positions in the car on the side of the road (my Mom uses a walker), my son somehow got completely anxious and wasn't able to calm himself down. It started by him finding an "owie" on his finger and wanting to go "get cream for it to make it feel better." Unfortunately, it escalated quickly and without me being back there to even TRY to calm him down, and in the front seat where he couldn't see me, he just lost it. When that happens, if I show even ONE ounce of frustration or pressure by allowing my voice to match his intensity or say "calm down, Honey", he gets angry and starts yelling for me to "go away". Like his little emotions NEED security and validation, and if he feels any frustration or anxiety at all, he can't handle it. Needless to say I was also feeling anxious with my Mom in the car, so I didn't feel like I could be completely myself and BOY did he "pick up" on this. It was a horrible 20 minutes before we finally reached a McDonald's we could stop at.

Here's the part I'm not proud of AT ALL.  I felt so helpless on how to help my son, and finally just "let it rip" with choice words of my own. Along with the expletives, came this to my Mom, "if you would have sat in the front seat like I asked, I would be back there with him right now".  It was out of pure emotion and wasn't meant to demean her. She immediately bristled up like a porcupine and denied that I ever told her to sit in the front. My husband piped in trying to be the peacemaker too, saying he told her to sit back there. In times past, I would have shriveled up into a complete guilty/condemned mess after making such an "attack" against my own Mother. Thank God I am able to look at it more objectively and not take on more guilt than I should. I feel bad that I "lost it". I don't want to hurt her. But I was angry that I couldn't help my son.

Finally when we got to the McDonald's I sprang out and ran my son in. He immediately calmed down (much to my surprise). Like he was relieved to be out of that car, too, and had no idea why every one else seemed frustrated.

Anyway, my Mom played it up big by this time: staying in the restroom long enough for us to feel like it was necessary to go in and make sure she was OK. Refusing to eat ~ "You all go ahead and eat, but I don't want anything. Just get me a coke with no ice to settle my stomach." Then, as I was in line ordering our food, I noticed her sitting at the booth digging in her handy-dandy "drug bag" as I call it. Prescription medication for chronic arthritis and pain she so sadly deals with. I had already seen her take a pill before we left, and now she was going to take something else? She kept searching in a bottle of miscellaneous tablets as I tried to fight back the guilt. Painfully familiar voices, "What if this (I) cause her to overdose and we find her on the floor?" "I am responsible for this, and cannot express displeasure or conflict or I might destroy her. We would lose her and it would be my fault." Sheesh. Pressure, guilt, pressure, guilt. Can we say, OVER-RESPONSIBLITY FOR SOMEONE'S EMOTIONS?

One thing I can say is that it is almost impossible to "fake it" with a preschooler. They can smell fraud a mile away. I have gotten alot of insight and laughs over him "letting it all hang out" and expressing ALL his emotions in exaggerated proportion to EVERY side of my family. Like the time we dragged him away from his cousin's (by birth) birthday party screaming and kicking as everyone watched us leave. I remember thinking as I walked away embarrassed that he was expressing some of the very emotions I have been too afraid to express to my (birth) family ~ and (adoptive) family ~ and in-laws for that matter. "Go Baby!"

I know I'm overly permissive and accepting of his behavior ~ one, because he was a 1-pound preemie, and I still can't distinguish how much of it is willful and how much he just can't help ~ so I err on the side of caution, even to the dismay of strangers and family alike who may think otherwise. I can't help it. Two, I don't want to stiffle his emotional development, which has already been adversely affected by his first experiences in life. I respect him deeply and see him as a courageous, strong-hearted individual. The last thing I want to do is cause him to have to "change" or "bend" his honest emotions or behavior which somehow serves a purpose for him. Even when the behaviors are not socially or developmentally the same as everyone else. But how to dicipher all this ~ I need help.

I go back and forth all the time with this. Normal "discipline" techniques don't work. Some "discipline" techniques are borderline abusive anyway, so why even read THOSE books? I found a website I'd love to read more into. It is called Beyond Consequences and speaks of honoring the relationship and the emotional integrity and security of a child over strict discipline.

I've seen some gosh-awful things in the name of "discipline". At the pre-school where my son attends, I watched a parent (in obvious stress) continue to tell her wheelchair-bound, non-verbal young son, who was obviously in great distress over something, to STOP CRYING NOW and pressuring him over and over with the words, "ARE YOU DONE NOW?" My heart ached for both of them. When I can't even get my son to cry at appropriate times, I see crying as something of a positive expression of health. When my son finally breaks down in tears after a struggle to allow me close enough to him for comfort, I am so relieved that he is getting closer to overcoming what he has gone through. Even though it breaks my heart. In our house (finally) we've decided that tears "make us feel better" and sometimes we need to cry.

 If a picture really paints a thousands words, here's one that may paint where I'm coming from ~

Maybe it triggers some of this, who knows ~

Are my son and I alike, due to early separation from our mothers? Will he ever be able to heal emotionally and physically from those crucial lost months in my womb and in my arms? I believe in miracles. I have to. Isaiah 66:6 says "He will comfort us like a mother comforts her child." His comfort can somehow transcend the chasm of losing our mothers too soon.

I guess it is telling to see that I am posting about all these relationships in one post, as I'm truly at a loss as to how to sort through these intricate details and differences in the unique relationships I speak of.

Me and my Mom ~ My son and me. Can they even be compared? Should they?

Mom has actually bragged to my face (after watching my son throw a "tantrum"), telling me that "You only did that ONE time in my house ~ I happened to have a glass of iced-tea in my hand when you decided to throw one of those, and you got it in your face." I was speechless. Faceless.
Then (to top it off) I find an old picture like this

If your first thoughts are "What the HECK?" you are not alone! Those were mine too. But it never occurred to me how dishonoring and sad this picture really was UNTIL I HAD MY OWN CHILD and realized I would never put him through such an uncomfortable and developmentally inappropriate experience as a small baby, even if it was just to "get a laugh" or a picture. No freaking way. When my child cries, I don't wait or laugh or get any type of kick out of it. My natural instinct is to comfort him and relieve his distress. But I guess not everyone's is.

(*as a side-note: The picture above reminds me of adoption. On first glance it looks innocent enough, until you look alittle deeper and play that old "How many things can you find WRONG with this picture?" game.)
I'm not saying Mom was a horrible parent. She wasn't. I'm just trying to figure all this out for myself, as a Mother now, as a daughter, as an adoptee, as a person. I've heard adoptive parents talk trash about their child's "birthparents" and then proclaim that when their child "acts up" they got that "trait" from biology. How self-serving and dishonoring of their child's real self, loss, and emotions.

I grew up in a house that didn't honor honest emotions, but feared and avoided them. So did my hubby. Ugh...what new territory we are trying to forge. Some days I wonder, "So who is tip-toeing around who now?" Amazing how family dynamics are forced to change when people grow and  behave differently. We can only hope for more honesty and compassion in 2009, for us all.

Thank God for awareness and the healing journey He has opened for my heart. I need wisdom. It is late and I am exhausted.

The night was redeemed. McNugget's saved the day, and Mom ended up pretending none of it ever happened as we enjoyed the lights. I'm talking hundreds of inflatable (my son affectionately calls them "blow-ups") Santa's, snowmen, Rudolph's, and every imaginable time-honored childhood "character" you could dream of. I'm glad we persevered. My son's eyes lit up at every turn. And Mom's did too. Mom made it home safely, and I'm still up.

Thank you, God, for Christmas memories, even though marred by imperfection. Love does cover a multitude of sins ~ all of us need cover tonight.

Go Maine!

© Photographer: Raycan | Agency: Dreamstime.com
Adoptees Await More Information

BY MATT WICKENHEISER
Maine Sunday Telegram
http://kennebecjournal.mainetoday.com/news/local/5755916.html

When Elizabeth Norcross Miller looks in the mirror she doesn't see
her mother's eyes, her father's cheekbones or her aunt's nose.

She sees only herself.

Norcross Miller, 47, of Newburgh was adopted as an infant. She has
gone through probate court to try to get her original birth
certificate and learn who her biological mother was, but her request
was denied by a judge.

She has no sense of innate belonging, she said, no feeling of
biological connection to anybody.

"If you look into the mirror once or twice a day your entire life and
you have no one you can say I share this DNA with -- that's pretty
lonely," said Norcross Miller.

She's hoping that changes Jan. 1 -- and she's not alone. A new state
law going into effect on that date will allow adults who were placed
for adoption in Maine to see their original birth certificates --
which would name their mothers, and in some cases, their fathers, too.

Norcross Miller is one of 136 adult adoptees who have preregistered
with the Maine Office of Data, Research and Vital Statistics for non-
certified copies of those certificates. When the office opens Friday,
anyone who has preregistered will be able to pick up their documents.

"I'm going to be the first in line, I'm going to arrive there at 4 in
the morning," said Norcross Miller. "I've waited 48 years."Beyond a
sense of connection, adoptees in many cases want to find out about
their biological family's medical history, so they can know whether
they're at risk for any particular condition.

Many Maine adoptees have birth certificates that list only their
adoptive parents' names. A law on the books for more than five
decades mandates that records of adoptions finalized on or after Aug.
8, 1953, are confidential unless a probate judge rules otherwise. In
most cases, judges haven't released the records, according to
organizers of Original Birth Certificates for Maine, the group that
pushed for the legislation.

Opponents included the Roman Catholic Diocese of Portland, which said
that releasing birth records to adoptees would violate the privacy of
mothers who had been promised secrecy -- women who hadn't told their
families they had placed children for adoption might not want that
fact revealed.

Nationally, opponents have also argued that birth parents would be
forced into unwanted relationships with grown children placed for
adoption as babies. In other states, opponents have argued that
eliminating the chance for confidentiality might persuade pregnant
single women to choose abortion rather than adoption.

These arguments didn't sway the Maine Legislature. Supporters noted
that secrecy promises were not legally valid, and said the new law
would protect birth parents by giving them the option of specifying
whether they wanted to be contacted.

About three-quarters of the House supported the bill, and two-thirds
of the Senate, according to Bobbi Beavers of South Berwick. A co-
founder of Original Birth Certificates for Maine, Beavers called the
legislation "a human rights bill."

"No one should ever be denied their original identity," said Beavers.

Cathy Robishaw of Falmouth, another group co-founder and an adoptee
herself, said a friend helped her find her birth mother's name in the
mid-1990s. But getting her original birth certificate Friday will be
a "huge deal," and not just because she pushed for the law for four
years.

"I will just feel like everyone else at that point," she
explained. "It will just mean I'm not discriminated against, I'm
treated like an adult."

And, said Robishaw, there's a chance her birth father's name is
listed on the certificate -- though that's not likely. Her birth
mother had died by the time Robishaw got her name.

According to Original Birth Certificates for Maine, the father's name
won't be on the birth certificate in most cases. Genetic testing has
not been possible until relatively recently, and birth fathers were
not always required to be part of the surrendering process, as they
are now, the group explained.

Don Lemieux, director of the Maine Office of Data, Research and Vital
Statistics, said he's not sure how many people will be coming to
their offices at 224 Water St. in Augusta on Friday.

At least 15 people who preregistered confirmed through Original Birth
Certificates for Maine that they will be there, he said, and some
will likely bring friends and family. Beavers said she knows of
people flying in from California and Florida to get the documents.

According to Lemieux, as of January, it will take 24 hours for any
vital records to be processed by his office, including birth
certificates for adoptees. There's a $10 fee for the birth
certificates.

Three or four people who placed children for adoption have asked his
office not to release the records, said Lemieux, but the law does not
allow that. However, they can make clear whether they want to be
contacted by the person they placed for adoption.

Lemieux encouraged them, and anyone who's placed children for
adoption, to fill out a "contact preference" form. That lets anybody
getting the birth certificate know whether their parents want to be
contacted directly, through an intermediary or not at all. It also
allows them to communicate medical history.

Educating legislators

Norcross Miller said she gets the sense that birth parents who have
given up their adopted children are probably feeling threatened by
the law.

"It's very important for them to know that -- me included -- we have
no intention of causing any further harm to anyone out there who was
kind enough to give birth to us and set us on our way," she said.

"It's not a question of who's guilty, who's right, who's wrong.
Nobody's judging, saying you're right, wrong or indifferent."

Norcross Miller said she would like the opportunity to meet face-to-
face with her birth mother and would be open to having a relationship
with her, if the feeling is mutual. If not, she at least would want a
medical history and information on any siblings.

The legislation was filed by former state Rep. David Farrington, D-
Gorham, whose wife is an adoptee, and former state Sen. Paula Benoit,
R-Phippsburg, who is an adoptee herself.

Benoit will be at the records office Friday to support other adoptees
getting their certificates, and to obtain her own.

She said the original birth certificate law was the most important
legislation she worked on, and would affect many people.

"For some, it's sort of like being in a witness protection program.
You don't talk about it, we live a life that has been given to us,"
she said. "We always know there is another person there, another
identity."

Benoit said she is starting her own nonprofit foundation to help pass
similar laws in other states. Her plan is to educate legislators in
other states about the importance of "original identity." Seven other
states now have laws similar to Maine's.

New Jersey and New York are close to such legislation, and Ohio keeps
revisiting the issue, Benoit said.

"No one should have to live without knowing who they are," said
Benoit.

A Reunion & Tears of Joy for Christmas

A reunion and tears of joy for Christmas
Mother reunited with daughter after 36 years

BY JOHN GARDNER
http://www.postindependent.com/article/20081225/VALLEYNEWS/
812249989/1083&ParentProfile=1074&title=A%20reunion%20and%20tears%
20of%20joy%20for%20Christmas

GLENWOOD SPRINGS, CO COLORADO,

SNOWMASS — Christmas Day, 1972, Faye Franklin said good-bye to her
newborn daughter.

She had spent seven months in a home for un-wedded mothers in Mobile,
Alabama.
Having just gone through labor, Franklin hadn't named the little girl
and she'd only seen her for a brief moment after signing adoption
papers.

She was 16-years-old.

Since then, Faye Franklin has always shed tears of sorrow on
Christmas.

"I've always wondered about her," Franklin, 53, said from her home
near Snowmass Village, three days before Christmas. "How she was
doing, who she was, or if she was even alive. Being a mother you just
think about those things."

The daughter she never knew
Tonya Barnes, Franklin's daughter, has never had a real birthday
party.
Christmas was tough for her, too.

Being born on the most celebrated American holiday sort of
overshadowed the whole birthday thing. However, her adoptive parents
always gave her twice as many gifts, she said.

Being adopted was not something that her parents kept from her. She
always knew that she came from someone — and somewhere — else.

"My parents were pretty well off, and they were into country clubs
and
things like that. I wasn't into all that," Barnes said. "I'm just so
different than they are."

Over the years, Barnes went through the emotional turbulence of
wanting to know her birth mother, but not knowing exactly how to find
her.

"It took me periods, off and on, that I would want to find her,"
Barnes said. "Especially when I was mad at my (adoptive) mother."

But, it wasn't until Barnes became a mother herself in 1996, that the
feelings of wanting to know her birth mother overwhelmed her and she
began the search.

"After my son Chase was born I started wanting to find her." Barnes
said.

After 23 years, Barnes made the first attempt to find her birth
mother, but she didn't even have a name.

Living in Jacksonville, Florida, she contacted a place close by that
she hoped would be able to help.

"It was going to be this whole drawn out process," Barnes said.

Barnes called again, a few weeks later, and was told that they had
found her mother. The only information she received was that her name
was Faye Franklin and that she was a Hare Krishna. But it was enough
to get started.

"I don't think they were supposed to give out any information, but
the
lady slipped," Barnes said. "I started calling information for the
numbers to Krishna Temples."

She started with temples on the West Coast and made her way east,
until she got to Tennessee.

"I actually spoke to her husband at one of the Temples," Barns
remembers. "I finally found someone who knew (the person) I was
talking about."

The life-changing phone call
Franklin was living in Tennessee in 1996 when she got a call from her
mother.

She was at odds with her family about some of Franklin's life
choices,
according to Franklin. Expecting an argument, Franklin didn't want to
speak to her mother at the time.

"I thought she was going to give me a hard time and I was like, `I
don't want to hear this'," Franklin said.

Two weeks later her mother called again and left a message saying
that
Franklin's sister Ruby had something really important to speak to her
about.

Franklin called and her sister told her, "This is something that
happened a long time ago," Franklin said.

"`I wonder if it's about that baby'," Franklin remembers Ruby asking
her.

"I really can't tell you how I felt at that moment," Franklin said.

That night was a long one filled with unanswered questions for
Franklin. The next morning she called the agency in Florida that had
tried to contact her.

"Before they could say anything I asked if this had anything to do
with a baby born on Christmas 1972," Franklin said.

The lady on the other end of the phone responded, "That is right, and
she is looking for you," Franklin remembers.

That's how the lady got Franklin's name and information and relayed
it
to Barnes.
Christmas would never be the same.

A few weeks later, Franklin was at home when the phone rang again. It
was her husband, the Krishna Temple President in Tennessee, who just
had a conversation with Barnes.

"He said, `I just got a call from your long-lost daughter and she is
going to call you'," Franklin said.

Barnes called. And for the first time in both of their lives, mother
and daughter heard one anther's voice.

"We talked for hours," Franklin said. "She told me all about herself
and the next day she flew out to Tennessee."

Franklin picked Barnes out of the crowd at the airport.

"I walked right over to her and asked if she was Tonya," Franklin
said.

The reunion lasted about a week. Barnes also met her grandmother and
the rest of Franklin's family. Barnes was not nervous and said that
it
felt very normal.

"I don't think it was awkward," Barnes said. "But, she was really
shocked when she saw me."

Despite the successful reunion, staying in touch proved to be an
obstacle. Over the next 11 years they've only seen each other three
times, and they've sporadically kept in touch.

"We didn't have any coaching or anything, we really didn't know how
to
keep in touch or anything or how to have a relationship," Franklin
said.

Christmas was still hard for Franklin and Barnes, but it was getting
better.

The right thing to do
Christmas was always a difficult time for Franklin.

"I've never had a normal Christmas," Franklin said. "It's kind of
like
people didn't understand the trauma I was feeling."

She would celebrate her daughter's birthday in silence, never
speaking
about the pain of giving up her child.

"You don't talk about it, you don't let anyone know," Franklin said
with tears in her eyes. "It's still hard, but it's also beautiful.
This has really helped me see things in life more clearly through the
years."

After Barnes was born, Franklin lived an eventful life that took her
around the world. She lived in places like India and moved to Aspen
in
the 1980s after which, she lived in Glenwood Springs for 15 years.
She
had two marriages and had two more daughters, Amethyst and Jessica.

But she never forgot about her first daughter.

"I never carried guilt," Franklin said. "Because I knew better. I
knew
that I was a good person and I did what I had to do. Other people
tried to make me feel guilty, but I never carried the guilt. I just
felt bad because I couldn't have her."

But she's always wanted to be able to celebrate her first-born
child's
birthday on Christmas Day.

This year, 36 years later, her dream came true.

A Christmas gift
"Grandma, can you help me with this," asked 10-year-old Amelia
MacMurray, Barnes' daughter.

"I don't know but let's see," Franklin said as she helped her
granddaughter with her coat zipper Sunday afternoon.

It was the first time Amelia and 12-year-old Chase MacMurray had met
their grandmother.

"I've been real excited," Franklin said. "I called Tonya and said
that
she needed to come up for Christmas and that I needed to get to know
my grandchildren."

Franklin's other two daughters are arriving throughout the week as
well.

A Christmas Tree stood in the living room at Franklin's house, where
she lives with Eric Oliphant, near Snowmass Village. They are going
to
decorate it before the holiday, a tradition in the making.

Being Barnes' first trip to Colorado, she was excited, too. But she
is
obviously more excited to be able to spend Christmas, her birthday,
with her biological mother for the first time. And for her kids to
know another grandmother.

"All I want is for my children to have a good Christmas," she said.
"If that happens then, I'm happy."

Franklin expects the tears to come again this year, but the feeling
behind them will be joy instead of sorrow.

"I don't think it's hit me yet," Franklin said. "It's going to take
some time to set in. I've got to learn how to be a grandmother."

Then she added a simple Christmas message: "Joy to the world."

Christmas will never be the same.


Copyright 2008 All Rights Reserved

Utah Couple Forced to Return Baby to Indian Tribe

NICWA responds to Brown’s comments

Story Published: Dec 22, 2008

Recently, national media outlets have reported on the case of an American Indian child who was placed for adoption with a non-Indian couple in Utah. The child is considered a member of the Leech Lake Band of Ojibwe Tribe, and the adoption was facilitated by a private adoption agency in Utah called Heart and Soul. Last week, a Utah state court recognized that the adoption was flawed, and on Sunday night the child was given to the child’s tribe for placement in a home with two of his other siblings.

Coverage by CNN, ABC, and other media concerns has been deeply flawed with ill-informed and sometimes deeply offensive rhetoric. We denounce these comments as the lowest point of journalistic endeavor. The true facts of this case speak volumes, beyond the frenzied attacks of irresponsible media spokespeople. Unfortunately, harmful utterances are common but the recent commentaries and coverage stretch outside the bounds of responsible journalism.

These comments do little to help the adoptive parents, the birth family, tribe, and children involved. The welfare of an American Indian child is at stake, and the painful experiences for all those involved were the result of inappropriate and illegal acts by those who were facilitating this adoption. We believe that once the facts in this case become widely available, viewers and the public will better understand the underlying reasons this event transpired.

Since the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA) of 1978 was specifically cited as a “ridiculous” law and presented in a foolish and negative light, we would like to address the role that ICWA plays and speak to its usefulness.

The National Indian Child Welfare Association (NICWA) – a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of American Indian children and families – deals with these kinds of cases on a regular basis. We have seen ICWA protect children and preserve and strengthen families. NICWA finds that when people who are making decisions that impact the lives of Indian children are committed to working together at an early stage in the private adoption process, these kinds of challenging and difficult decisions do not have to be made.

Following the straightforward adoptive requirements of ICWA is not difficult. It simply requires that the birth parent or parents wait 10 days after giving birth and then go before a judge to certify that the mother does understand and desires to give her child for adoption. After this, the law asks that a placement be pursued that considers the child’s relatives and other Indian families, which would usually mean talking with the birth family and child’s tribe. Following our inquiries into this specific private adoption and its chronology, at this time it appears that none of these actions, which are necessitated by federal law, were performed by the Utah adoption agency in this case.

The delicate issues surrounding adoption deserve every diligence and the free-flowing of information for everyone involved. NICWA is ready to have those conversations, and we remain a resource working with parents, tribal governments, case managers, adoption agencies, attorneys and adoptive families. Our children are a gift from the Creator, and they deserve nothing less than our cooperation, honesty and deepest respect.


Terry L. Cross, MSW, LCSW
NICWA Executive Director
Portland, Ore

Below is an interesting 5-minute listen, which interviews the experiences of
both the adoptive family & the birth mother.

A couple in Utah adopted a son 6 months ago, but the courts have forced
them to return the baby to his birth mother, a member of the Ojibwe
American Indian tribe, in a complicated and emotional case.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=98709433

*After listening to this NPR segment, what struck me the most was the fact that the natural mother of this baby CHANGED HER MIND immediately before or after the baby's birth, but she was still "convinced" by adoption "professionals" to sign the relinquishment forms. If a mother decides against adoption, she should not be influenced by "professionals" who make their living serving potential adoptive couples (their customers) and who benefit financially from adoption. Yet, unfortunately, this occurs more often than anyone wants to admit to. Under pressure of "doing the right thing for the baby" mothers are encouraged to "follow-through" with adoption plans, even when they have strong reservations and are feeling unsupported.

Can an "adoption professional" REALLY ethically counsel a pregnant mother without blatant disregard for the basic principles of "conflict of interest" and "non-directive counseling" which other professional counselors are ethically bound to? The answer is NO.

When natural mothers try to appeal in court, it is usually too late, (who exactly does adoption law serve?), and court proceedings are many times drawn-out to give the adoptive placement the advantage because of the months or years the child is in legal limbo ~ JUST long enough for the courts to determine that the adoptive placement is in the child's "best interest" so as not to disrupt the only home the child has "ever known". Is this really ethical for the child? To be separated & suffer that loss of their natural family when the mother has fought for her child from day one?

Does adoption law adequately protect mothers and children from this happening? NO.

Isn't something terribly wrong here?

"Am Adopted" or "Was Adopted" ???

 

I've heard adopted parents argue that their child "was" adopted, but that it no longer defines them. 

It was simply "the way" their child "joined the family". 

 

"Being adopted" is a huge part of my on-going identity and affects all my relationships. 

 

I spent Christmas with my adoptive family, but recently saw my birth family. 

I am thinking about my birth family today celebrating Christmas together and I'm not with them. 

It doesn't negate the Christmas I had with my adoptive family and the love. 

But it defines me, acknowledges loss, and requires a lot of mental energy.

My brothers are together celebrating Christmas with their children & (our) father.

My son is missing out on precious memories with his biological cousins, aunts & uncles, and his Papa. All the while we enjoyed Christmas with my son's beloved Grandma (my Mother ~ adoptive). Yet in the corners of my mind the absence of those precious memories my son is missing (and I missed as a child & continue to miss) with the family of our very blood is lost.

It makes me want to cry ~ and yet I ask myself "Why"? ~ When I had/have a(nother) family? One who loves us. These are just a small sampling of the myriad of emotions and thoughts that travel through this reunited adoptee's heart and head minute by minute by minute...on Christmas especially, but not just today.

It is tiring. And maddening. And sad. I AM adopted.

 

 It didn't stop the day the papers were signed and I joined my "new" family.

 It didn't erase my very identity, heritage, being, genealogy, inherent personality and desires.

 It just put them "on hold" for awhile while the "amended" me was formed.

Like a "blast from the past" the "real" me searched and found and froze and embraced and repelled and analyzed and finally felt...again. 

Kind of like my 3 yr old's favorite bedtime video ~ Cookie Monster Goes to the Moon.

Alone on a rocket ship he flies through the star-filled sky. When he finally reaches his destination, he eats the Moon, only to find himself in the dark. The next scene is complete darkness, with only his wobbly eyes bouncing to and fro. Every night it is the same conversation:

My son, in a concerned voice, yells ~ "He broke his eyes!"

Me, in as comforting voice I can muster ~ "No, Honey, his eyes are fine, it is just dark, cause he ate the moon and the light is out".

And every night I think ~ maybe tonight will be the night he "gets it"!

But no ~ not yet. I'll keep explaining as creatively as I can!

My "adoptive status" is kind of like that story ~ I keep trying to "grasp" the whole emotional motherload, but it may take a few more trips to the moon! 

My precious 3 yr old: "I AM Andrew"

Me: "I AM adopted"

This year has definately been the GREATEST Christmas I've had ~ just to see my son's eyes light up at the sound of jingle bells from Rudolph on the housetop last night!

Singing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus in candlelight while all sitting on the living-room floor together. 

 

Putting cookies and milk out for Santa & Rudolph and then eating all but one before bedtime. (This is a huge feat for us, since my son has oral aversions from being in the NICU so long on a vent). I will never complain while cleaning up cookie crumbs again! Thank God for every one.

 

And of course, opening presents today was awesome.

 Even the hour it took to get the "Underwater Rescue Diego Megablocks" together! 

With all the stresses of developmental delays, low-frustration tolerance, oral aversions, attachment, and sensory issues ~ which equate to messy kitchen floors, Mom & Dad learning to eat in less than 5 minutes, anxiety & meltdowns ~ the JOY I feel as the Mother of a miracle child who has the smile and laughter of an angel ~ is overwhelming.  

 

Experiencing "normal" family life with my own flesh and blood.  Nothing can describe.

 

 He makes me a better person and I love him with all my heart. 

It's emotionally vulnerable to "blog" my most precious emotions for all to read.   

 

 

To top it all off I happened to catch a Dr. Phil show (about reunions) this afternoon.

Adoptive Mother MEETS First Mother while young-adult twin sons watch speechless. 

The pinnacle quote was from Dr. Feel to a newly reunited adoptee as he sat crying...

 

"Isn't it wonderful to be able to be a blessing to so many people?"

Where is the validation of the adoptee's tears, emotions, or realized loss when he finally meets his family of birth?

 

No where.

Instead, just as in all of society, the emphasis remains on how the adoptee affects other's happiness.  

 

 I personally believe the reason this is so, is because society is SCARED of acknowledging the profound loss of the adoptee ~ they sense the primal wound, and are too scared to venture that close, for fear they may realize their own frailty.

That show just topped off "a pint full of ice scream" kind of day...AFTER the Christmas brunch!

What Ever It Takes

This is Kayleigh's beautiful Mommy smiling through the pain as she waits with unspeakable yearning to HOLD her newborn daughter.

As I sit here with tears in my eyes remembering how stressful it was in the NICU just to HOLD my son, one thought keeps repeating itself over and over

~ "Whatever it takes" ~

Premature babies show a dramatic improvement in vital signs and long-term outcomes when they experience close contact with their mother's skin.

That is what society is slowly learning regarding the importance of the Mother/Child bond on the life-long health and development of humans.

I've heard it said that "experience is the one thing that simply cannot be denied". Thank God I witnessed a true miracle in the birth of my son. Nothing can convince me otherwise that miracles still exist. And as an adult adoptee, as well as the mother of a former micro-preemie ~ nothing can convince me otherwise that the importance of the Mother/Child bond is paramount.

When will the adoption world acknowledge the proven research done by John Bowlby and others? If the money, time, and energy spent in the adoption industry's "recruitment" of mother/child separation could be rightfully transferred to honor and support EVERY woman's motherhood and the right of every child to be nurtured in their mother's care, the very health of our society would experience a dramatic turn-around.

To read more of Kayleigh's incredible story and join me in praying for her continuing healing, please visit:
www.kayleighannefreeman.blogpspot.com

A Home for the Holidays

Annual CBS adoption special has extra Faith (Hill) this time
http://www.readingeagle.com/article.aspx?id=118271
Jay Bobbin

`A Home for the Holidays'' is more Faith-based than ever this year,
and appropriately so.
Music superstar Faith Hill is an adoptee, so she feels a strong
connection to ``A Home for the Holidays,'' the yearly CBS special that advocates
adoption through uplifting stories of children and their foster
families. A performer on past editions, Hill returns to host and sing on the 10th
annual program Tuesday, Dec. 23.

Also rendering songs during the hour are Melissa Etheridge, Jamie
Foxx, Gavin Rossdale and Hill's husband, Tim McGraw. Some youngsters
featured previously on ``A Home for the Holidays'' return to update their
stories; new tales are introduced by Rene Russo, Martin Short, Patricia Heaton
(``Everybody Loves Raymond'') and Kristin Chenoweth (``Pushing
Daisies'').

``This is my this third time doing this show, and to perform on
something like this is just one part of it,'' Hill says. ``All the children
highlighted on it have been adopted. That's an average of 10 to 12
children each year, but the number of children adopted because of the show is
over 20,000, and that's remarkable. When you call the 800 number given on
the show, there's someone to speak to you who's in your city or your
area.''

Having such a personal tie to ``A Home for the Holidays'' made the
taping challenging for Hill at some points.
``I had a difficult moment in one of my songs,'' she admits.
``Everyone in that room had been affected by adoption in some way, and most of the
(celebrity) guests in the show either have adopted a child or have
been adopted. Jamie Foxx was adopted (he has quite an interesting story ~ his adoptive parents also adopted his natural mother, from what I've heard), and Martin Short and his wife have adopted.

``Just about everybody who works on the show has been there since the
first one,'' Hill adds of the special partially initiated by adoptee Dave
Thomas, the late founder of the Wendy's restaurant chain. ``It's a labor of
love. They are truly dedicated to these children and finding homes for
them, and I'm not sure I've ever been part of anything else that has such
dedication involved.''

Hill knows the potential results firsthand.

``As a baby, I was adopted into a wonderful family,'' she says.
``It's one of the truest testaments to unconditional love, and as long as you can
really show a child support, mountains can be moved. Babies are
adopted by the thousands on a daily basis, but children who have been taken out
of their homes because of abuse or neglect need a home as well.

``Let's take, for instance, an 18-year-old who has just graduated
from high school. He or she will be fine now, people might think, going off and
being on their own -- and they don't need to be adopted. Well, that's just
not true. That child needs someone to come home to, and when they start
having a family of their own, they'll want grandparents for those children.
That history is so important. A child is never too old to be shown love.''

Hill is never far from her own adoption history: It's right in her
name. She recalls her Mississippi-based foster parents, in pursuing a private
adoption, ``were on a long list of people wanting a girl. The doctor
had asked all these wannabe parents if they had any specific requests
like hair color, which is so ironic, because you know how kids change!

``When the doctor called my mom and dad in, they said, `We just want
to be blessed with a little girl.'' A few days later, Mom got the call that
there was a little girl waiting to be picked up, and she said, `We named
you Faith because we just kept praying that it was going to happen, and it
happened a lot sooner than we expected it to.' '' (Hill eventually located, and
established a relationship with, her biological mother.)

Having her fellow-musician spouse on ``A Home for the Holidays'' is
significant for Hill. Also featured in the current movie ``Four
Christmases,'' McGraw ``was not given up for adoption, but he had a
similar situation in that he met his father later in life,'' Hill says. ``Tim
has the biggest heart of anyone I know, and he understands the blessing
that comes from true, honest love and sacrifice.

``My parents were not wealthy people, but they worked hard to give
their children a strong, solid foundation. They've been married 52 years
this month. I wish my mom could teach a course on how to deal with life;
she knew how to stretch a penny into a dollar, and she still does.''

``A Home for the Holidays'' ends a busy television round for Hill,
who also appeared recently on NBC's ``Christmas in Rockefeller Center'' and
PBS' ``Soundstage'' to coincide with the release of her new holiday album,
``Joy to the World.'' Also still heard singing the theme for NBC's Sunday-
night football telecasts, she's looking forward to a yuletide at home in
Nashville with McGraw and their three daughters.

``The girls are in school now, so I'm a mom before I'm anything
else,'' Hillsays. ``I never enjoy working unless my family is taken care of, and
I want to be here to watch my children grow. It's been a great year, and as
long as my family is safe and healthy, I'm happy.''

I was able to catch most of this show tonight on CBS, with Faith Hill. The song by Melissa Etheridge (adoptive mother) in which she repeatedly screamed over and over ~ "Baby Come Home" ~ wasn't in the best taste in my opinion. It was hard to listen to. Where IS Home for an adoptee? To a reunited adult adoptee, it means something ALOT different than the inference she was strongly making. I saw visions of "Dear Burfmother" letters dance in my head and desperate housewives getting all upset and bothered when their potential baby-maker "changes her mind" and "disrupts" their dream adoption ~ the baby they are just SURE was made for them.

When Faith Hill beautifully sang "He rules the world with truth & grace" in her gracious rendition of "Joy to the World", I got chills as I watched the camera zoom around the child-filled room of little adoptees. Adoptees whose original birth certificates, names, identities, birth histories, medical & genealogical histories and families were SEALED permanently the day their adoptions were finalized. What part of TRUTH is protected for them and their children after them? Adoption is not the end-all cure, or win-win solution for these children, no matter how sticky-sweet the stories were engineered. It doesn't erase their histories, families, or life-long loss. TRUTH be told, there was much lacking in this advertisement about us "special" kids.

Mary, Did you know

My Redeemer Lives - Nicole C. Mullen

A Personal Ad...

A personal ad in The Saginaw News helped a man learn about his father
Posted by Sue White | The Saginaw News December 13, 2008 05:58AM
http://www.mlive.com/saginawnews/news/index.ssf/2008/12/a_personal_ad_in_the_saginaw_n.html
Richard R. Ryles anxiously searched the framed confirmation pictures hanging in St. John Evangelical Lutheran Church in Saginaw Township, looking for a familiar nose.

"That's my dad," he said, stopping before a group shot from the 1940s and framing Donald R. Butcher's young face with his thumb and finger. "Down here is my grandmother; look, it's written in German. This is my family."

For Ryles -- Rick to most who know him -- Saturday's reunion with nearly 40 relatives -- his father's sisters, nieces and nephews -- was an emotional crescendo to his search in the Pentagon, public libraries in Detroit and finally, in late October, through the personal ads in The Saginaw News for the American serviceman who fathered him while stationed in Japan.

Butcher died in 1979. His mother, Henrietta "Etta" Butcher, who never gave up hope of finding her grandson, died in 2003. In a twist of fate, Ryles met the rest of the family on Etta Butcher's birthday.

"I was an only child who always wanted a little sister, and my wife comes from a small family, and all of a sudden -- boom! -- it's amazing," a grinning Ryles said.

An American family adopted Ryles when he was 4. He tracked down his Japanese mother, Tomiko Fujawara, 20 years ago, and she embraced him, his wife Melissa and daughters Margaret, Elizabeth and Hannah. She also told him how the man she called Bouchi left Japan before seeing him and never came back.

The journey that began with a fuzzy black-and-white picture of a '50s-era airman and a stab at a last name will come full circle this summer, when Ryles' mother arrives to meet the family she thought abandoned her a half-century ago.
"I wasn't sure how I would react if someone answered the ad," said Ryles, 54, a West Point graduate who retired from the U.S. Army as a colonel in 2006. "Surely, my father would have married someone by then, and I didn't know how he'd feel about explaining a baby he might not have mentioned to anyone."

What he couldn't know was that his father tried desperately to find his son, and his family never gave up hope that Ryles would some day complete their family circle.

Carole Fresorger of Buena Vista Township, Donald Butcher's sister, saw the ad in early November and told sister Donna J. Almy of Saginaw Township, "I think that's Don."

"When Don came back (from Japan), he would tell us, 'I want my baby so bad,' " Fresorger remembered Butcher saying of the son he never met. "But as much as he tried, the government wouldn't let him bring (the mother) back or go back to Japan for her."

Michael Hollenbeck | The Saginaw NewsRick Ryles, 54, of Tokyo, Japan, right, reads names and matches them with photos of family members at St. John Evangelical Church, 4705 Brockway, Saturday. Center is his aunt Carole Fresorger, of Buena Vista and left is a cousin Collette Kraenzlein, 34, of Sagianw. One photo includes Ryles' father.
It was a time, his family explained, when servicemen were discouraged from forging relationships with foreigners, and Butcher's quest was buried in a mountain of red tape.

Shunned because her baby had an American father, Fujawara moved three times after Ryles' birth, trying to find work. A letter reached her six months after Ryles was born, "but she tore it up because she was so mad that (Butcher) didn't come back for her," her son said.

When Ryles was 4, his mother gave up him for adoption to spare him the scorn. She picked an older couple -- both were 42 -- so that when they died, he would still have time to look for her.

Ryles, whose adoptive father was in the U.S. Navy, lived for four years in Japan while growing up, "and I could have passed my mother on the street without knowing it," he said.

In 1959, her mother's house caught fire, destroying pictures, letters and nearly everything she had from that chapter in her life. Fujawara never married, never had another child, and until 20 years ago, when Ryles tracked her down, she had thrown herself completely into teaching flower arranging.

He and his family have since moved back to Japan, where he still works for the U.S. Army as a scientist in collaborative research. When his daughter's passport was stolen, he searched through the family's paperwork and came across a paragraph he had missed earlier in his adoption papers, one that mentioned his father's name and other information about him.

He used the information to craft the ad that finally brought him to Saginaw.

Butcher returned to the states in 1954, eventually married Patsy, who now lives in Utica, Neb., and had four children, who now live in Arizona and Nebraska. Before he died Oct. 1, 1979, Butcher gave his mother pictures and a music box with a Japanese figurine to pass along to his son some day.

Etta Butcher entrusted the mementos to her daughters. Saturday, they made good on their promise.

"We hugged and hugged and hugged," his aunt, Almy said. "We were all so happy; we were so glad."

A cousin, Donna Keenan of Bay City, made a family scrapbook for Ryles, including photos his father took while stationed in Japan. Using his iPhone, Ryles sent his mother pictures she hadn't seen for decades.

"When I told my mother that I found my American family, it was melancholy," Ryles said, "but it brought closure to a chapter that hadn't closed. This closed the book a little bit."

Sue White is a staff writer for The Saginaw News. You may reach her at 776-9601 or e-mail her at swhite@thesaginawnews.com.

© 2008 Michigan Live. All Rights Reserved.

Adoptees Want Access to Original Birth Certificates

Adoptees want access to original birth certificates
(by Terrence T. McDonald - December 11, 2008)

http://www.montclairtimes.com/NC/0/1120.html

For 24 years, Zara Phillips did not know her real name.

Phillips was born in Barnet, England – Montclair's sister city – in
1964 and, when she was two months old, she was given up for adoption.
She had "difficulties" during her teen years, she said, and soon
struggled with drug and alcohol addiction.

Being an adoptee did not help, Phillips said over a cup of hot water
with lemon at Bluestone Coffee Co. this past Monday afternoon.

"You have no sense of self," she said. "You don't know where you came
from. You feel very disconnected."

It wasn't until she was in her twenties, and rid herself of
addiction, that Phillips realized that there wasn't something wrong
with her – she just needed to get find out who she was. And that
couldn't happen unless she found her birth mother, Phillips said.

"How can you move forward in your life if you don't know your
beginning?" she asked. "You can't start a book on chapter two."

Though Phillips was able to navigate Great Britain's social services
system to find her birth mother, such a task is impossible for
adoptees in New Jersey, where original birth certificates for adopted
children are sealed barring a court order.

Phillips, 44, is one of a number of New Jersey advocates urging the
state Legislature to pass a bill allowing adult adoptees access to
their original birth certificates.

If signed into law, the bill would then give adoptees a chance to
know their families' genetic and medical history, in addition to
providing them an avenue for emotional closure, the advocates say.

The bill, which passed the state Senate 31 to 7 in March but has yet
to move through the Assembly, has been in the works for three decades.

Two weeks ago, the Montclair Township Council unanimously passed a
resolution urging the Legislature to adopt the bill.

Third Ward Councilman Nick Lewis, father of three adopted children,
supports the measure, saying there are a number of reasons why an
adopted child should know the identity of his or her birth parents.

"For many kids, there is a need to understand where you came from,
this sort of void that needs to be filled," said Lewis, whose son
made an unsuccessful attempt to find his birth parents during a
recent trip to Korea.

New Jersey's existing regulations amount to a restraining order
against adoptees who want to know about their birth families,
according to Pam Hasegawa, spokeswoman for the New Jersey Coalition
for Adoption Reform and Education.

Hasegawa, 66, an adoptee herself, said restricting access to her
original birth certificate deprives her of the right to know her
identity.

"I just think the injustice of our not being able to get this
information, which I consider a fundamental human right, is morally
outrageous," she said.

Only six states – Alabama, Alaska, Kansas, New Hampshire, Maine, and
Oregon – allow unfettered access to original birth certificates,
though 16 states allow conditional access, sometimes depending on the
birth parents' wishes, according to Bastard Nation, an Ohio-based
adoptee advocacy group.

The New Jersey bill passed the state Senate in 2004, 2006, 2008, but
stalled in the Assembly each time.

A legislative aide for Assemblywoman Joan Voss (D-38), a primary
sponsor of the bill, said she believes the bill has been held up
because of complaints from religious groups.

"It's going to be a tough bill to pass," Voss' aide said.

Phillips said it makes her "blood boil" that the proposed legislation
has not received a vote in both houses of the Legislature. For a
British woman who in her youth dreamed of America and its forward-
thinking ideals, Phillips said she is disillusioned to discover New
Jersey's adoption laws are so far behind those of her home country.

Starting in 1975, Great Britain allowed adoptees to access their
original birth certificates.

"We're not stalkers," Phillips said. "We're not these weird people.
We're just adoptees who have every right to know who we are."

Phillips, a mother of three, met her birth mother in a British social
worker's office in 1988. It was an intense experience for both, she
said, and even though the two have had a rocky relationship since,
Phillips now feels like she belongs.

She also learned her birth name: Paula Sampson.

"It made me feel more connected," she said.

Contact Terrence T. McDonald at mcdonald@montclairtimes.com. By "clicking" on the title to this post, you can read the entire article and "reader comments".

Zara is a musician & author of the book, "Mother Me", about an adoptee's journey to motherhood. Her website is www.zaraphillips.com

Grandparents Passed Over in Favor of Foster Care

http://www.nwcn.com/statenews/washington/stories/NW_120908INV_foster_care_KS.480a9c09.html

Investigators: Grandparents passed over in favor of foster care
11:46 AM PST on Wednesday, December 10, 2008
By SUSANNAH FRAME / KING 5 News

ENUMCLAW, Wash. - From day one Doug and AnneMarie Stuth of Enumclaw
adored the new baby in
their home.
"It was a very exciting time. She was the center of our world,"
AnneMarie Stuth said.
But the Stuths aren't the baby girl’s parents; they're her
grandparents. Their troubled teenage daughter
had her at 16. Then she relied on her parents to help raise the baby.
"I was the first one to hold my granddaughter and I was the first one
to kiss her,” Doug Stuth said. “So
yeah, we have a tight bond."
When the baby was 9 months old, things unraveled. The teen mom moved
out of her parents' home
along with the baby. While living away from the Stuths, the baby lost
weight. A doctor's appointment
led to a call to Child Protective Services. The doctor reported the
teenage mother let her child get
dangerously thin.
“It’s like your whole world comes crashing down,” AnneMarie Stuth
said.
Enumclaw police put the child in protective custody with the Stuths
right away.
The grandparents raised the child for months and received glowing
reports. One officer of the court
wrote: "She's fortunate to have her grandparents as a safety net."
"Our granddaughter always came first,” Doug Stuth said. “She’s a
little baby. She needs someone to
protect her and take care of her and that’s what we did.”
Reuniting the baby with her mother was the goal. Caseworkers placed
the two in transitional housing for
young moms. That didn't work. The teenager got kicked out of the
programs and lost her daughter again.
But this time, instead of going back to grandma and grandpa, state
workers put the baby in foster care.
The Stuths were devastated. The child’s daycare providers gave them
heartbreaking reports.
“(They tell me) that she cries for me," Doug Stuth said. “You have no
idea (how hard it is)."
Why didn't the baby go back to the grandparents? Most people would
think there must be something
very wrong with them, such as reports of abuse or neglect. Perhaps
they have criminal records, drug
problems, or a history of unemployment? None of those things are true.
So we dug a little deeper. The King 5 Investigators looked at hundreds
of documents written by people
making decisions on the case.
A court-appointed advocate for the baby wrote the Stuths were selfish,
hyper-critical, and were derailing
their daughter's parenting efforts. One example cited over and over in
legal papers: They gave the child
a pacifier, or binky, which was against the young mom's wishes.
"You would not believe how many times that darn binky was brought up
in court and in paperwork over
the stupid binky!" AnneMarie Stuth said.
A social worker also wrote the grandparents refused to financially
support their daughter. But we have
copies of dozens of cancelled checks which show the Stuths were giving
their daughter money.
They were also accused of being unwilling to drive the child for
visits with the mom. But mileage
reimbursement records show the state was paying the grandparents for
driving hundreds of miles a
month so the child could see her mother.
"I've never seen people so hell bent on destroying one family,”
AnneMarie said.
Washington law is clear: If a child can't be with parents, relatives
must be considered before foster care.
Later this month a judge is
expected to rule on the fate of
Doug and AnneMarie Stuth's
grandchild, pictured here. She is
now 3 years old.
"The department (DSHS) is making greater efforts, absolutely," State
Family and Children Ombudsman
Mary Meinig said.
Meinig’s office investigates dozens of child custody complaints from
relatives every year. She says
DSHS is doing better at placing kids with relatives, but that state
workers are not always following the law.
"When you have children who are not at risk and they are bonded to
their relative, you want them there,”
Meinig said. “You don't want them re-traumatized by removing from
relatives."
The Stuths think they were flagged as trouble-makers because they
complained, a lot, about what was
happening. They even called their senator, Pam Roach, who rattled
cages in Olympia over the case.
"I'm trying to right something that I think is wrong," Sen. Roach
said. “I think it’s important that the
state realize that it’s doing something very damaging to this little
girl.”
Roach lobbied to get the Stuths visits with their granddaughter.
They’d been told by the child’s court
advocate there was a court order forbidding them to see her. But we’ve
found there was no such court
order. They should have been allowed to see her all along.
"It's heartbreaking why any state would want to step between a family
tie like that and try to sever that
bond," AnneMarie said.
A judge ordered there should be visits and last month KING 5 was there
for one of them. The child, now
3 years old, lit up upon seeing her grandparents in the parking lot
where the supervised visit was to take
place.
"To see the excitement in her eyes and know how we feel inside,”
AnneMarie said, “there's no way to
put that into words."
DSHS officials couldn’t answer specific questions about the Stuths'
situation because it’s part of an
ongoing case. But speaking in general terms, Cheryl Stephani, who
heads up all child welfare programs
at DSHS, told us: “The first requirement is that any placement be in
the best interest of the child.”
Stephani also says custody cases are never as simple as they appear.
"It's easy to sit back and say, oh, I know exactly how that should
have gone,” Stephani said. “But when
you're in the midst of it, there really are a lot of folks who have
the best interests of the child at heart but
there are a lot of different viewpoints."
One high ranking DSHS official thinks the case hasn’t been handled
correctly. We've obtained an
internal state e-mail where the administrator writes: “If we don't
(place the child) with a relative there
will be a lot of explaining to do."
Later this month a judge is expected to rule on the fate of the little
girl. The young mother is fighting to
get her back, and the grandparents support that goal. State social
workers have pushed to have her
adopted by the foster mother, saying the little girl is very bonded to
her now.
During this turbulent year and a half, the Stuths have left their
granddaughter's room untouched in their
Enumclaw home. Her clothes, toys and blankets sit empty in a pretty
pink room. It’s hard to go in, so
they usually have the door closed.
"You look at different things and you remember, where you got it,
where you were, how much she loved
it," said AnneMarie. "It's a piece of your heart and life gone."
More:
To read why we did this story, read Susannah Frame's blog.
http://blogs.king5.com/archives/2008/12/behind-the-scen-2.html

*You can "click" on the title of this post to be directly linked to the website and video-archive of this on-going story, including reader comments. Until federal monetary incentives to state governments promoting adoption is ethically reformed, these issues will only become more pronounced. The stipends given to states as incentives for recruiting adoptive families for older children languishing in foster care are, instead, being collected on in cases like this ~ children who are considered (and desired) "adoptable", but who must first be made "eligible" (available) for adoption.

Adoption: A Different Kind of Love

http://www.smh.com.au/news/lifeandstyle/lifematters/adoption-a-different-kind-of-love/2008/12/10/1228584888901.html

Adoption: a different kind of love
Do parents feel the same affection for a child they have adopted as a
birth child?

"If something tragic happened to my adopted daughter, I'd be
devastated but I wouldn't die. If something happened to either of my
two boys who I gave birth to, I feel I would die," says Tina Pattie.
"I don't love my daughter any less but it's a different kind of love.
With my sons, my love is set in stone. It's that 'die for you love'
that would never change, no matter what. With Cheri, it's a love that
develops and grows. It's more of a process than an absolute."

Ask most adoptive parents whether they think their love for their
children is any different than it would be if they had their own
offspring and you can generally expect a resounding no. Very likely,
they'll be offended it even crossed your mind.

But in families such as Tina Pattie's - where there are both
biological and non-biological children - it's a question that is put
to the test. It's a question that gets to the very heart of what it
means to be a parent.

"I don't care how close you are to your adopted son or beloved
stepdaughter, the love you have for your non-biological child isn't
the same as the love you have for your own flesh and blood," wrote
Rebecca Walker, the estranged daughter of the prize-winning author
Alice Walker in her book, Baby Love. "Yes, I would do anything for my
first [non-biological] son, within reason. But I would do anything at
all for my second [biological] child without reason, without a doubt."

Her comment attracted much controversy last year but Tina relates to
it. She had always wanted three children, so when she was told it
could jeopardise her health to have a third baby naturally, she
persuaded her husband to adopt. Her preference was for a baby but none
was available and they were offered a little girl five weeks off her
fourth birthday.

"I was totally and absolutely shocked to find that in the early years,
I felt no love at all for her," recalls Tina. "It didn't even feel
right to say she was my daughter. The word 'daughter' describes a
relationship, a connection - things we didn't have."

There was no one point at which Tina began to love Cheri, now 17. "It
was a drip, drip, drip kind of process. Now, I love her a lot. I'm
really proud of her and close to her but it has taken time," she says.

Tina has spent a lot of time "unpacking" the disparity in her feelings
for her children. "I think there are several things going on. First,
she wasn't a newborn baby, like my sons had been. There's nothing
quite like a newborn baby. Second, when you get a stranger in your
house, you're not going to love them straight away, you're just not.

"Then there was the fact that Cheri was a hugely damaged and difficult
child. Even now, I wonder that if she'd been sweet and easy instead of
angry and violent whether it would have been different. Instead, I
turned from a calm, patient mother into a monster. I'd never felt rage
like that, ever. But even in the blackest moments, when there was no
connection between us at all, there was never a question that I would
give up."

Mary Cooper did adopt a newborn baby but she too found it difficult to
use the word "daughter" in the early days. "This was 37 years ago,
when I was a psychiatric social worker and had my own three-year-old
son," she says. "It was assumed I'd know it all but I was not prepared
for the difference between giving birth and adopting. You don't have
nine months to prepare, you don't go through the birth and you don't
breastfeed. I was completely a nurture not a nature person - I didn't
think nature mattered - but I've changed my mind. I wasn't aware of
the differences that I would feel or that Louise would feel as a
result of us not sharing any genes. With my son, there was an instant
bond. With Louise, there wasn't and every way you turned, it seemed
she was different to us. If we had brown sugar, she wanted white. If I
cooked something, she wanted (an instant microwave meal).

"Even now, if my son comes to stay, we have plenty to talk about. It's
natural and easy. With Louise, we have much less in common. I don't
love either of my children more than the other but the nature of the
relationship is poles apart."

Unfortunately, Louise did not interpret it this way as she was growing
up. "I felt like my brother was the golden boy and that I was the
black sheep and I felt less loved than him because of it," she says.

"In fact, it wasn't until I was 27 that I told anyone I was adopted. I
was ashamed of it before then. But then I started thinking about
finding my real mother, which I did, and somehow that journey made me
realise that my parents didn't love me less, just differently."

Nancy Verrier, author and publisher of The Primal Wound: Understanding
The Adopted Child, believes all children who are separated from their
mother suffer a trauma that will affect their bond with their new
parents, regardless of the age at which they enter that new family. "I
wouldn't say that I love my adopted daughter or my biological daughter
differently - I would do just about anything for either of them - but
I would definitely say the bond is different and I know now that is
inevitable," she says. "An adopted child has had their bond with their
mother broken once, so they're not going to let it happen again."

For many children, this manifests itself in testing-out behaviour, she
says. Even if this type of child is adopted as a baby, they tend to
keep a psychological distance. Because they never quite fold into the
new mother when she cuddles them, the phenomenon has become known as
the stiff-arm baby. At the other end of the spectrum is what's known
as the Velcro baby. These children react to the fear of their new
mother leaving by being very clingy.

If anyone had told Nancy when she brought home her three-day-old
daughter that rearing an adopted child would be different from rearing
a biological child, she says she would have laughed at them.

"I thought; 'Of course it won't be different! What can a tiny baby
know?' Now I know it's nonsense for anyone to suggest the bond can be
the same. We are tuned in hormonally to what our natural children
want. Psychologically, the mother and child are still at one for some
time even when the umbilical cord is cut. Genes continue to play a
major part in the relationship throughout life. The way you cock an
eyebrow, how you stand or walk, gestures you make - all these are
things that make children feel as if they belong. But because a lot of
people don't expect adoption to be different, they can feel shock,
hurt and resentment when their adopted child doesn't react to them in
the way they'd like them to."

Some parents try to compensate for this loss. Bill Aldridge, who has
three adopted and two natural children in their 20s and 30s, says:
"There was always a sense for us that our adopted children required
additional love to make up for the extra challenges they'd faced. I
wouldn't say we loved them more but our feelings for them were
combined with an overriding desire to make everything all right."

Bella Ibik, who grew up in a family of five birth children and four
adopted children, says her parents also went out of their way to make
the adopted ones feel special. "We were made to feel chosen, as
opposed to the others who just came along - to the point that one of
their biological children grew up with a bit of a chip on her
shoulder," she says.

Bella, now 41, says she still feels surprised by how much her mother
loves her and still has a need from time to time to examine the
differences in her mother's feelings for all her children. "Yesterday
we commemorated the 23rd anniversary of my brother's death. He was one
of her blood children and I often wondered whether she'd have
preferred it had it not been one of her birth children. We talk about
everything, so I asked her and she answered as honestly and
diplomatically as she could. She said that no mother would ever wish
death on any of her children but that when I saw her cradling his head
and talking to him when he was in his coffin - a childhood image I
will never forget - she was thinking of him having grown inside her
and she was thinking of giving birth to him."

Bella isn't convinced that whether her siblings were adopted or not is
the be-all-and-end-all in the nature of their relationship with their
mother. "Evie, her youngest, is her absolute golden child who can do
no wrong. I'm sure that's because she came along just after my mother
had been very ill and she sees her as her anchor in the storm. My
point is that sometimes I think it's impossible to pull out adoption
as being the only reason for a parent feeling differently towards her
children."

Because today's adoptions often involve older children who come from
backgrounds of neglect or abuse, they require what Jonathan Pearce,
the director of Adoption UK, calls therapeutic parenting. "Of course,
this is different to raising a biological child, just as it is
different to raising an adopted child 30 or 40 years ago. It's a
parenting that I think should include ongoing training - just as you
have with any other demanding job," he says. "Does that mean the
feelings are any different? Yes, they are. Is the love any different?
I just don't know. It will vary from one family to the next."

Carol Burniston, a consultant clinical child psychologist, believes
the requirement for adopters to parent therapeutically gives a tiny
minority of them a psychological get-out clause, which again affects
the nature of their relationship with their children.

"I worked with one adoptive mother who was suffering from a
problematic home life who said: 'If it comes to it, I'll keep my
children and let my marriage go.' You would expect a parent of a
biological child to say that but for an adopter there was something
very powerful about it. With a small number of adopters, there is
something going on in the back of their minds that if they can't bear
it any longer, they will give these children up."

For Lisa Bentley, who adopted a troubled 14-year-old when she already
had four birth children, there was never a moment when she thought
about giving up. "In fact, I'd say that the love I have for her is
strong and powerful - more so in a way than for my birth children -
because there's nothing taken for granted about it," she says. "It's
come from getting through enormous battles and from an undying
commitment."

Angela Maddox believes the relationship between parents and non-
biological children has more chance of being positive if any birth
children arrive later. "We adopted three boys, now aged 22, 20 and 19,
and when we later had two birth children unexpectedly - now aged 16
and 11 - the feeling of almost knowing your child before it's born
took me by surprise. But I think the fact that the boys were already
in our family helped them feel more secure than if it was the other
way round. They had us first."

Angela says that while her husband relates to Rebecca Walker's
philosophy, she doesn't. "My love is endless for all my children. You
can love any child as your own. There was the different feeling around
the birth but that's all."

A few parents even believe that giving birth is irrelevant in the
bonding process. Unusually, Molly Morris - who has given birth to five
children and adopted two - says, "I've never been able to make a
distinction between children born to us and those we adopted. It's the
nursing and handling, not the giving birth, that has given me the bond
with my children."

Pam Hall disagrees. "There's something almost beyond words about the
attachment you feel for your own baby. That's not to say you can't
love another baby or child but it's quite a different quality of love.
I think parents who have given birth already are usually - although
not always - better placed to work at a relationship with a non-
biological child because they've been through that. They don't go
through life longing for it," says Pam, who has two birth children and
an adopted child in their late 30s.

Pam, who has worked with adoptive families as a psychiatric social
worker and an analytical psychotherapist, explains that parents who
have had birth children tend to have a different motivation for
adopting than those who haven't. "They generally aren't starting the
process of adoption from a position of infertility, looking for a
substitute for their own baby."

That's not to say it's always an easy ride. "I've worked with adopters
who have been racked with guilt that they didn't have the same
feelings for their adopted child. But that's all the more reason that
we should stop this pretence that adopting is the same as having your
own children. I'm not suggesting anyone should outline every detail of
that difference to their children. That would be dire. But they do
need to own the feeling and be OK with it."

Lucy Hoole, a 25-year-old adoptee, agrees. "There is something quite
taboo about suggesting that parents feel differently to non-biological
children. But I'm OK with that difference and see it as part of my
life story that's made me who I am."

* Some names have been changed.

The Problem with Saving the World's Orphans

http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2008/12/11/the_problem_with_saving_the_worlds_orphans/

The problem with saving the world's 'orphans'
By E.J. Graff
December 11, 2008

IT'S THE TIME of year when we are deluged with appeals to save the
world's millions of orphans. On TV, in the newspaper, in our
mailboxes, we see sad-eyed children who are starved for food, clothes,
and affection. Surely only Ebenezer Scrooge (or his Seuss-ical
incarnation, the Grinch) could turn away with a hard heart.

But when these appeals are combined with glamorous examples like
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's world adoption tour, would-be
humanitarians can arrive at a dangerous belief: Western families can -
and should - help solve this "world orphan crisis" by adopting.

It's true that, sometimes, international adoption can save a child's
life. But be very careful. By heading to a poor, underdeveloped, or
war-torn country to adopt a baby, Westerners can inadvertently achieve
the opposite of what they intend. Instead of saving a child, they may
create an orphan. The large sums of money that adoption agencies offer
for poor countries' babies too often induce unscrupulous operators to
buy, coerce, defraud, or kidnap children from families that would have
loved, cared for, and raised those children to adulthood.

How does this misunderstanding happen? One problem is the word
"orphan." UNICEF reports 132 million orphans worldwide. UNICEF's odd
definition includes "single orphans" who have lost just one parent,
and "double orphans" being cared for by extended families. Admirably
enough, UNICEF is trying to raise money to offer assistance and
support to these children's families, and to build functioning child
welfare systems that will benefit entire communities. But few
Americans would think of these children as "orphans."

Another problem is that the abandoned or orphaned children who
actually do need homes are rarely the healthy infants or toddlers that
most Westerners feel prepared to adopt. The majority of children who
need "forever families," as the adoption industry puts it, are five or
older, disabled, chronically ill, traumatized, or otherwise in need of
extra care. The exception is China, where the one-child policy led to
an epidemic of abandoned girls. But China's abandoned babies are
historically unique. In Africa, for instance, children may be orphaned
because their parents have died of AIDS or malaria or TB. In the
former Soviet bloc, the parents may have died or lost custody because
of alcohol-related illnesses or domestic violence. In Asia, the
children themselves may be HIV-positive or suffer from chronic
hepatitis B.

But from an adoption agency's standpoint, these needy orphans are not
very "marketable." So here's the bad news: to meet Western families'
longings to adopt healthy babies, many adoption agencies pour
disproportionately enormous sums into poor, corrupt countries - few
questions asked - in search of healthy children ages three and under.
Those sums can induce some locals to buy, coerce, defraud or kidnap
children from their families. Traumatically, these children are
deprived of their families, and families are deprived of their
children.

Consider that, after the fall of Nicolae Ceausescu in 1989,
institutionalized Romanian children desperately needed families.
Thousands of generous Westerners went to Romania to adopt - but were
swindled into buying babies directly from families who would not
otherwise have relinquished. Similarly, for more than a decade in
Guatemala, few Westerners were adopting needy abandoned children; far
too often, they were effectively - albeit unintentionally - buying
healthy babies solicited (in some cases, apparently, conceived and
borne) specifically for the adoption trade. Guatemala and Romania have
halted international adoption because of widespread corruption. As the
respected nonprofit World Vision UK put it, "The urge to adopt across
continents is well meaning but misguided."

Don't harden your heart to those sad-eyed "orphans" - but don't feel
guilty if you can't (or don't want to) become a Jolie-Pitt world
adoption mission. Rather than trying to rescue a single child, which
can induce trafficking, invest in and rescue a community, thus
preventing children from being orphaned by poverty or disease. Buy
supplies for underprivileged schools. Invest in clean water or
housing. Go on a medical mission. And remember that most families -
like your own - would do almost anything to keep their babies home and
to raise them well.

E.J. Graff is associate director and senior researcher at Brandeis
University's Schuster Institute for Investigative Journalism. Read her
investigation into adoption corruption at www.brandeis.edu/investigate.

Persistence Pays Off

Story available at http://www.billingsgazette.net/articles/2008/11/29/news/local/16-siblings.txt

Published on Saturday, November 29, 2008.
Last modified on 11/29/2008 at 12:45 am

Persistence pays off as siblings meet
By ZACH BENOIT
Of The Gazette Staff

The holidays bring many families together, giving them the opportunity to catch up and share old memories.

For Joyce Flom, Thanksgiving brought the chance to get her family together under one roof in Billings, allowing her sister and brothers to meet for the first time.

Friday night, Flom, Janice Hamilton and Brad and Steve Kronberger, and their spouses, attended the Downtown Holiday Parade. Even though it was one of their first outings as a family, it's tough to tell that they are still getting to know one another.

"It's kind of like we've already known each other all this time," Flom said.

Family difficulties

In 1947, Flom and Hamilton, both born in Glendive, were put up for adoption by their mother because of family problems that haven't been fully determined. Flom was about 2, and Hamilton was just 6 weeks old. The girls were adopted by separate families and grew up never knowing each other.

In 2004, Flom began searching for her biological family after her adoptive parents died. She knew her birth mother's name and that she had a younger sister, but that was about it.

"I knew if I found my mother, I could find my sister," she said.

In September 2005, after gathering what she could from the state and her birth town of Glendive, her search led her to Bountiful, Utah. There, Flom learned that her mother, Evelyn Kronberger, had died, but that she also had two brothers, Brad and Steve Kronberger.

The two men didn't know they had any other siblings.

"I was kind of hesitant at first," Steve Kronberger said of the first call he received from Flom. "But in the back of my mind, I'd always wondered."

She still hadn't tracked down her sister, but in 2007 she caught a break.

Genealogy records

She found an obituary for Hamilton's adoptive father and, with the help of her newfound brothers and genealogy records from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Salt Lake City, tracked her to Lancaster, Ohio.

"It just happened that there were two (people) there by her name," Flom said. "One of them was listed and the other wasn't. The Lord must've been on my shoulder that day, because she's the one that was listed."

Flom began attempting to call Hamilton, who screens her calls. It took a few more phone calls, but Hamilton's curiosity was piqued and on Jan. 7, 2007, she answered one of them.

"We got off the phone two or three hours later," Hamilton said. "I knew she couldn't be pulling my leg. I always wanted brothers and sisters, and I was just so excited."

The siblings all speak and trade e-mails frequently - and Flom has met them all in person - but Hamilton and the brothers had never met until this week.

When they saw Hamilton and Flom together for the first time, Steve and Brad Kronberger instantly saw the family resemblance.

"When I saw a picture of both (of them), it kind of spooked me," Brad Kronberger said. "They look so much like Mom."

With the holiday weekend to spend together, they're all doing their best to catch up after decades of not knowing each other. Flom met each at the airport as they arrived earlier this week. They spent most of Thanksgiving doing what most families do, talking and stuffing themselves on holiday goodies.

On Friday, Steve Kronberger woke up before the sun rose to do something that wasn't a possibility until 2005.

"I got up with my two sisters and went holiday shopping," he said.

Afterward, they spent the day helping Flom with another holiday tradition, decorating her house for Christmas. They didn't finish decorating until 4:30 p.m. Friday.

Today, they plan on heading over to Sears to take their first family picture.

The siblings also hope to get together more often, and they said this week was a good start.

"It's definitely an inner bond we've got," Steve Kronberger said. "I'm sure Mom's smiling down on all this right now."


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