"Shifting Shadows"

© Photographer: Lisja | Agency: Dreamstime.com
September 22, 2007 ~ Shifting shadows. In your heart, you desire certainty. Most of your life you have been in search of the truth only to find that most things tend to shift like shadows sooner or later. Tomorrow is the September Autumnal Equinox when the sun is directly above the equator, giving exactly the same amount of light and darkness causing the day to be exactly the same length as the night over the equator. Mankind searches for certainty, where shadows do not shift. Anchor your hope in Me and My word and you will find the certainty you desire. Let your certainty anchor itself in the One who never changes. In the shadow of My wings is where you can rest. Shifting shadows.

Psalms 17:8-9 "Keep me as the apple of the eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings from the wicked who despoil me, and from my enemies who surround me."

James 1:17 "Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow."

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My Rose

I have avoided writing about the experience of Motherhood of a preemie simply because it has been too emotionally fresh ~ the last two years have been ones of great joy and great grieving at the same time, if that is possible. I gave birth to my firstborn in January '05, 3 months early. He only weighed 1.4 at birth and was in the NICU for over 3 months, overcoming heart surgery at 2 days old, and a severe staph infection he aquired in the hospital. He was the first baby in this particular hospital to be given a new drug for resistant staph infection, and had 60+ days of strong IV antibiotics pumped into his body, along with 8 blood transfusions over the course of his NICU stay.

I remember bringing him home and just sitting in the rocker shedding tears and rocking him for days upon days. I thought I would never recover. I felt so guilty for not being able to carry him full-term. The pain of leaving him every night and looking back over my shoulder was almost too much for this adoptee to bear. It brought up so many of my own feelings of abandonment and helplessness ~ seeing my son laying in the incubator alone, not being able to hold him close and protect him like a Mother should. It was heartbreaking.

It has taken him all this time (and me) to even begin to learn to trust and receive comfort. At such a vulnerable time, his senses were bombarded with loud beeps and noises from the numerous machines he was attached to. His only touch to speak of was that of needles pricking into his paper-thin skin. I was afraid to do "kangaroo care" as much as I longed for, because of the vulnerability of his immune system and the vent inserted into his lungs to help him breathe. But now, looking back, I know that is the only thing that would have been beneficial for him ~ more contact with his mother's skin, and love.

He has a hard time processing all the sensory input in his world, even now, because of his early birth and experiences. He is the most amazing, determined, loving, stubborn, beautiful human being I have been given the priviledge to know and love.

I just wanted to introduce you to this miracle in my life, because I have been having so many experiences lately that I have wanted to blog about regarding being his Mom. So now I can write/go for it from here.....

Adoption ~ Reunion ~ A Wonder

© Photographer: Zzzdim | Agency: Dreamstime.com
It is so very bitter-sweet ~ Reunion.

Every time I'm with my natural family I feel so comfortable, happy, at home. I am around those like me ~ we share similarities, likes, dislikes, dispositions, looks, humor, communication style, love.
It took several years for me to "unthaw" emotionally enough to even recognize these strong connections. I feel I wasn't even connected with myself, and therefore, couldn't recognize connection with my natural family. It was too painful to "go there" so I stayed on the surface, in smooth "everything's cool" land. Not realizing it was emotionless, frozen, false, disconnected.

I now FEEL the depth ~ after facing the dark nastiness of rejection, abandonment ~ all the feelings a good little adoptee isn't ever supposed to feel ~ covered over with "chosen", "special", etc.

And now I LOVE being with my natural family ~ but it is still bitter-sweet. I still feel a little bit "on the outside, looking in", not able to share the depth of the family history, memories, comfort ~ because I was away for so very long. I was absent. And I still feel absent sometimes.

I was present with my adoptive family ~ but absent in many ways there, too.

Just having those re-connections in my soul, my family, my history, my relationships. Very few adoptees get to experience this. My natural family all live in the same town I live in and grew up in. So I see them quite a bit. I have to juggle, juggle, juggle my loyalties, my emotions, my saddness ~ and grab on to every opportunity of ~
Playing at the park with my Dad, my brothers, my neice, nephew, and my son.
A family reunited.

Watching my son kiss his "Papa" and "Papa" holding him close.

Watching my 2 yr old and his cousin, the same age, throwing rocks into the river together. But wondering how much closer and how much more often my father sees his other grandkids of his raised kids, instead of my son. Only because of the comfort level, without the feelings of guilt, of hidden saddness because of those years of being separated.

But enjoying every minute and so wanting more and more minutes and hours. So hoping for more sponteneity and staying in close contact ~ just being able to pick up the phone and saying "Hi, I'm thinking about you, how's your day". And I have that ~ but I still struggle inside. Wondering.