July 26, 2007

"Lost & Found"

Corpse Painting
© Photographer: Anatomyofrockthe | Agency: Dreamstime.com

Lost ~ One dead baby at the courthouse with "Certificate of Live Birth" sealed around it's neck ~ tightly riveted to a desk of "this is best." The Mother in a grave unmarked in rural America.

Found ~ One imitation life living "the lie" created the day the dead Mother "signed."
A shell of existence ~ underground hiding ~ scared to come out ~ revealing:

The ties that bind, the life undone, collar of adoption around my neck ~ holding me in this lifeless shell ~ can I get free again?
Pain seeping out pores, muscles tight, veins of blight.
Hurts all over ~ head pounding ~ blood boiling ~ froze.

It isn't fair to allow death to give life
And leave unannounced
to the terrorist plot.
Gone in a moment ~
Wake up to the day
of new life and name ~
adoption's cruel game.

Sealed in a tomb
Fate by the pen
Ink brought the shame ~
Then "put away" ~ Recording the day that didn't exist
People who no longer exist ~ yet, the pain lived
In the ties that bind.

Set me free with
the ties that bind
Turn my black dead veins
into real live blood.

The "corpes" baby searches
for a lost family name
No tears it cries ~ it's dead inside
Moving on energy not its own
The big "A" is on the throne.

Eyes glazed over ~ the talking dead ~ spewing lies that fuel it's head.
No life inside, just the shell
Living the life of adoption hell.
All in the name of rescued bastard
Baby shame ~ No name.

"Adoption" in the original Biblical language was NOT the same type of adoption that is practiced in today's society. The original Greek word could have actually been translated more accurately as "Reinstated" or "Reunited".

He is my true Father. I John says that we are BORN of God ('sperma') ~ that is a completely different picture than most of the Church body teaches today. If we are BORN of God, we do not NEED to be adopted by Him ~ we are "reinstated" or "reunited" with Him, our Creator, Our Savior, Our Perfect Father.

Father, reunite me with You, with myself ~ the baby lost in adoption death ~ please reunite me with the life I lost in the womb of my dead mother, once alive.

Please raise me up like Lazarus ~ who stunk with rot ~ 3 days dead.
Three decades dead ~ please rescue this dead baby and give me real life ~ not the lie.

Legitimize me without lies, separation and pain.
Do it freely without pay, give me a family name
that isn't fake and wrought in greed.
Make me real I plead.

Only You, Lord, can make the dead live again.
I cry for this, my only hope. Please be my life.
It isn't right for my children to be caught in this web.

Jeremiah 30 and 31:
Please break the yoke off my neck and tear off my bonds.
Help me serve you, and banish fear and dismay.
Save me from a distant land, and my descendants from exile.
Let us have peace and security; freedom from fear.

Restore and heal my wounds, Jesus
Rebuild and help me stand in my proper place
Turn my mourning into gladness, give me comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

The "Darkness" is Real

Walking
© Photographer: Jenfu | Agency: Dreamstime.com
I had an very interesting conversation with one of the ladies who goes to my church recently. She is the adoptive Mother of a 4 yr old from Korea. She had read the very telling article by Julie Rist called, "Happy Adoptees" and was just beside herself. She could not BELIEVE that I could believe such "nonsense."
She kept saying that when she sees me she does not see an "unhappy, bitter" person, but instead, she sees a person who knows God's love.

I thank God that, YES, I have experienced God's love in my life. He is the most important person I know and the very reason I'm alive, my son is alive, and the reason I have survived. But the road to learning to trust Him enough to receive His unconditional love, without holding on tightly to trying to earn it somehow, try to work up just enough "goodness" so He would somehow take care of me (that reveals my battle with fear) has been a very long, hard journey.

And in the journey, I have poured my heart out to Him, told Him how hard it is to trust, and essentially opened up the very dark corners of my wounded soul, feeling very vulnerable and almost like I would literally die. For years I held on to the "facade" me ~ ACT good enough ~ but inside, feel like total insecure crap. But it didn't work forever. I cracked and still crack and need to be real, and THAT is when He came through and is teaching me true love and trust.

Just thought I'd share some middle-of-the-night entries in my journal (in my next post) while I was going through the deepest level of healing from my adoption journey. It isn't sweet or pretty. It is quite scary. But I am convinced that the Holy Spirit took me through this "valley of the shadow of death" Himself, in order to shine His light of truth on it, not allow me to keep it hidden, and festering in the dark. My "Church" friends ~ they would probably FREAK if they read this. Because it is FAR from the accepted "views" of a Happy Adoptee ~ But, like the author of that wonderful article, I lived that life, and it didn't cut it. I would rather be real.

July 25, 2007

Adoption "Counseling" ~ Ethical or Biased?

Mature and confident business woman
© Photographer: Petdcat | Agency: Dreamstime.com
"I try to help them focus back on what they have evaluated, what they've been planning when they weren't so emotional," said St. John. "And, so that they can make decisions based on who can provide best for the child."

How does this adoption "counselor" know what is best for this child?

Why is she not held to the same standards of non-directive and unbiased counseling as other licensed health professionals?

How can "counseling" provided by an adoption agency employee or contracted "counselor" NOT be considered a conflict of interest?

Why is adoption unregulated, "sealed", and money-driven, when human lives are involved?

Dog ~ Adoptee ~ Dog ~ Adoptee

Stuffed Animals
© Photographer: Perkmeup | Agency: Dreamstime.com
Letter to ABC Primetime News in response to this show/article, aired 7/24/07

http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/story?id=3394560&page=1

Adoption is the most lucrative unregulated "business" in America. Laws are not in place to adequately protect the young mothers and their children. Conflict of interests abound. Why shouldn't adoption agencies be bound to the same ethics as other mental health professionals? They are not bound to unbiased counseling, non-directive counseling, or separate legal counsel for these vulnerable young mothers - this is blatant conflict of interest.

Adult adoptees are silenced by the NCFA lobby who keeps our records and own obc's sealed, based on myths which have been proven and documented to be false. Both the TN and OR Supreme Courts have ruled the validity of open records for adult adoptees, as well as the Child Welfare League of America. Yet most states laws do not allow an adult adoptee the same right as every other citizen to obtain their own unfalsified birth certificate. This is slavery. This is the government failing to protect the adoptee (product) of these businesses who refuse to ethically present to the mothers the full-spectrum of research and documentation about the life-long effects of adoption. Read Nancy Verrier's "The Primal Wound", and numerous research articles available regarding the peri- and post-natal psychology of infants and separation from their mothers. Read Ann Fessler's "The Girls Who Went Away".

The sealed records laws only serve to silence the "products" of these business transactions called "adoption", and continue to cover the reality of the loss involved with glossy myths that society has accepted. Adoptees are seen as forever children in the eyes of the law.

The Edna Gladney Center has a "commercial" airing which shows a puppy loyally following an adult duck, with the voice-over - "Aren't you glad that if you aren't ready to be a Mother, that someone else is?" This is a direct assault to adoptees everywhere. Using animals as an analogy to our reality? It actually reveals the truth of the issue quite well.

July 19, 2007

"I Have a Dream"

I Have a Dream/eps
© Photographer: Clarsen55 | Agency: Dreamstime.com
I was just at Mardel's (they are having a great sale today) and it was packed! Anyway, I picked up a calender of history facts and when I looked down at August 28th, I got goose-bumps!

It is the anniversary of the day Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his "I've Got a Dream" speech in 1963. Just a few short years ago he was speaking out about the sad fact that black people were not given the same right as white people to even eat in the same restaurant. Now, years later, people applaud his efforts, but at the time, he was far from honored.

Adoptees feel like 2nd class citizens because we cannot go into the Vital Stats office like everyone else and request our own birth certificate, with factual information about our own identity, biology, heritage, and birth, even as adults.

This HAS to be a good sign - our Oklahoma Interim Study hearing on adult adoptee's access to thier OBC's will be on August 28th - a wonderful anniversary of civil rights. Also, the very same week, August 26th, is the anniversary of the passing of the 19th Amendment to the Constitution (1920), the Women's Right to Vote. Wow!

July 16, 2007

Kids Views on Relationships

Grimacing boy
© Photographer: Yanc | Agency: Dreamstime.com
-------------------------------"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?-------------------------------------"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?--------------------------------------------------"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?--------------------------------------------------"Both don't want no more kids."Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?----------------------------------"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.Lynnette, age 8.
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?--------------------------------------------------------"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?-------------------------------"When they're rich."Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?--------------------------------------"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."Anita, 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?--------------------------------------------------------------"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now."Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?-----------------------------------"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."Ricky, age 10

"Dear Burfmother" Letter in the Raw

Chicken holding egg.
© Photographer: Miskolin | Agency: Dreamstime.com
http://www.geocities.com/aneliese7/dbc.html - Just had to share this good laugh ~ "Dear Birthmother" letters will never be the same again! lol

There is an overwhelming idea in society that "Birthmothers" (as they are called) are "loose" women, on drugs, poor, not capable or worthy of being Mothers.
When, truly, the case is usually much different - they are young, vulnerable women who are pursued viligently by would-be adoptors, and told that they are "heroes", "angels", "giving a great gift", etc.

It is only AFTER they sign the relinquishment papers that they are suddenly looked down upon, thrown aside, and hoped to disappear forever. If they don't disappear, they are simply "tolerated".

Truth is, most adoptees secretly wonder and search their entire lives. Their very identity and self-worth are intricately tied to their natural Mothers. This is only natural. It is quite a travesty for adoptees to be placed in this precarious position ~ to endure this societal belief ~ . In order to fulfill the parenting dreams of those who adopt.

July 14, 2007

~ Happy Surprises ~

Home Sweet Home
© Photographer: One8edegre | Agency: Dreamstime.com
Wow ~ Amazing ~ Wonderful ~ Speechless ~ Beautiful Familiarity ~ Home

These are just some words to TRY to describe the feelings when I'm around my First Family.

I got the NICEST surprise this morning ~

My First Dad called and wanted to talk ~ then we decided "impromptu" to meet at the park and let Andrew (my son) play for awhile. We hadn't seen "Papa" (as Andrew calls him) for a few weeks, so it was great.

We enjoyed "playing" so much - swinging, climbing, going down the slides, everything. "Papa" is alot of fun, and Andrew really enjoyed himself. Then we stopped by Carl's Jr. for a hamburger and fries, and played some more in the indoor playground.

I know this sounds so "normal" and nothing to really be excited about ~ but to an adoptee ~ this is huge. Just being a "normal" family, having those "normal" conversations, seeing how similar and "right" everything is when we are together. It is completely amazing. So amazing I may not be able to sleep tonight! The "sponteniety" of getting together to have this "normal" family time is a big step for us. We usually have to "plan" these things.

It was so much fun watching my son and his grandfather play little silly games together. It is sometimes hard to wrap my head around the whole picture. I missed having him as I grew up. I had loving people around me, who I called "family" and who I loved. But until I met (and got to know) my First Family as an adult, I couldn't distinguish the difference. It took YEARS for me to unravel and express some of the pain it brought up. Only THEN could I feel and embrace the "rightness", the feeling of "home", the similarities and likenessness - which helped me incorporate my own identity SO much better. I felt "real".
And to be honest, "real" didn't come at the beginning of my "reunion". It came after years of "fog". Then came the pain. Then came the "real". It still feels like Twilight Zone "real" sometimes, but oh my Goodness, the JOY of restoration and family moments are amazing.

Adoptees grow up not even being able to comprehend the concept of being connected to someone by "blood". It is like a complete foreign country and language to us. So even after reunion, it feels like "strangers" because we are actually "strangers" to ourselves, and don't realize it. If we push through the reunion, the pain it brings up, and allow ourselves to EMBRACE the "blood connections", the "blood identity" we never knew existed ~ THEN the true rewards come.

Thank you, Jesus, for letting me experience this. Thank you, for restoration.

July 4, 2007

"Nothing About Us Without Us"

 



"Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let’s not let it slip through our fingers. We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all.  So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help." Hebrews 4:14-16 (Message Bible)


"Nothing about us without us" is a term I first heard in the autism community as they advocate to be included in advocacy reform efforts regarding their lives.  It resounded with me as an adoptee.

I wrote this a few years ago in my prayer journal after attending several OK Adoption Review Task Force meetings (open to the public) at our state capitol.  We adoptees sat on the outside of the circle listening in as the "experts" (those who make their living doing adoptions) argued over money regarding our lives.  Passionately arguing that adoption "fees and expenses" in OK shouldn't be "capped" because it might make OK less "adoption friendly". 

Adoption is supposed to be for children who need homes.  Yet adoption law and practice leans not towards protecting the human rights of children and families, but towards the profit gained through paying "parents" who need children.  It is a business and adoptees are the commodities. 

I'll stop writing like this when adoptees are in the inner-circle of decision-making in this reform effort, and not marginalized into the corner by those who speak for us.  We are either perpetual children who don't have the capability of self-advocacy or we are property (with no humanity, rights, or voice).  We are to be seen and not heard.  Give us our original birth certificates and take the money out of the adoption equation and I'll stop comparing adoption to slavery.  We are the only other citizens whose identities are stolen and sealed upon a paid contract.

Dear Father God,
It is hard to lift my head or pen to you after silently listening to hour upon hour of debate regarding our price tags...stripping us of name, family, and dignity.  We are transferred through payment, approved by law-makers and courts, but with no relegation of rights.  A sealed contract of which we are subject, but not party to.  

We feel like chattel or property, rather than human. 
Our identities changed to be acceptable.
 Our worth deemed through fulfilling a role.
No rights to our identities or self-determination. 
We are second-class, not by our birth, but by these legal constraints.  Never on the same level as those determining our fate, even in adulthood. 

Please deliver us.

Some day the politicians, courts and brokers will fall silent and the paid contracts will be unsealed and undone.  We will be set free like birds out of the cage and our collective voices will be heard.  The secrets will no longer silence us and we will sing our songs of search and suffering under "sealed" identities and lives. 

They will no longer debate our cost before our silenced cries.  We will arise.

Society had no room for you when you born, Jesus...you understand.

You had to set aside your identity and live a life of substitution...you understand.

Fate argued by government officials, strangers...you understand.

They cast lots for your covering...you understand.

You paid the price for other's greed and selfishness...you understand.

Abused, ridiculed, misunderstood, spat upon for speaking truth...you understand.

Deemed radical, marginalized...you understand.

A life given for the highest bidder...you understand.

Father, forgive them...they know not what they do...You understand.
 

"Sealed" in a tomb, guarded day and night....you understand.

Yet the "seal" could not contain You.

May the adopted ones arise and walk free from sealed identities and tombs of dark unknowns.

Please shine your light and reveal the hidden agendas of those who fight so hard to hide their business of greed and ownership and deny us our identities. 

We shall know the truth, and the truth shall set us free.  Deliver us, we pray.